Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My head says, "go to the gym." But my heart says, "stay on the internet forever and eat!"

   According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan?

   The guy next door won't stop revving his bike so I'm going to spray paint his Harley pink and attach a white basket to it while he's asleep.

   Wanna hear a clean joke? Johnny was taking a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was a man.

   "Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital!"

   Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."

   Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?

   What's the difference between a bagel and a $lutty fat chick? One's a roll with a hole. The other is a hole with a roll.

   To all those who DO include the year of your birthdate on Facebook... we know you're young... and stupid... and about to be the next victim of identity theft!

   Things you despised in your boyfriend or girlfriend while you are dating get magnified 10 times when you get married.

   The worst part about makeup sex is trying to get the mascara off of my balls.

   I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she's not that ugly

   women are like cable tv: some channels are good and some channels are bad, but those really fun kinky channels always cost you more.

   You'd think a community activist would have a better handle on the economy by now.

   Being a modest guy, when I checked into my hotel, I said to the lady at the desk, "I hope the p0rn channel in my room is disabled." She goes, "Nooooo, it's regular people-p0rn, you sick ba$tard.”

   It would be much easier to get around town, if the highway wasn't jammed with broken heroes, on a last chance power drive.

   Just once I'd like to read that someone died after a long battle with goblins or trolls.

   If every nerd donated a dollar toward construction of a Millenium Falcon, we'd all be making the Kessel Run by May.

   If you want to see how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they're already mad.

   If I ever write thanks as thx you have full permission to smack me.