Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been told by several women that I'm a great listener. A majority of whom, have huge boobs.

   Thinking about memories with my Ex makes me look forward to Alzheimers

   "From what I can remember" is the best way to start a story.

   Dear old love, I used to think I had a really low sex drive. Now I realize it was just that I wasn't really attracted to you.

   in need of some long johns

   Well it is a new year, a time to start fresh, a time to move foward and learn from the past, a time to begin what was never started, and finish what was put off. It is going to be a good year, I know it, I can feel it and I am going to make it happen.

   Dear Yellow Pages delivery guy, Could you please just deliver those to my recycle bin......it'll save me a step.

   in Egypt & i'm like WOW!!! did they get to 52B.C. & think... we got this far... let's stop?

   I am funny and I know it.

   Does anyone else remember when we bought boots at K-Mart, for 15 dollars, to wear when it snowed? Now they sell those same boots for 300 dollars and call them UGGs. . . .

   Eating memory foam DOESN'T cure Alzheimer's? Well...it SHOULD

   My ex was bisexual. I had to buy her stuff for her to become sexual.

   Why were the first two guys in Superman so excited about seeing a bird or a plane?

   Damn!! My glasses fell in the toilet, now I can't see for sh!t!

   A salesman hugs a girl. GIRL: What the hell is this? SALESMAN: It is direct marketing. GIRL: *slaps him* SALESMAN: What was that? GIRL: A customer's feedback!

   been married for 20 years and has sex almost every day....almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday.....

   I'm not superstitious. Stitious, yes, but not in a heightened sense. I am, however, super lazy sometimes.

   Why does it have to be believer versus atheist? Can't we all just look down on those astrology weirdo's?

   I know today is starting out to be a bad day, even my Rice Krispies went SH*T,CRAP,AND F*CK .

   Patients To An Indifferent Medical Staff At A Penile Implant Clinic: "Can't we all just get a long?"