Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've decided the best way to proceed in life from here on out is by walking around rubbing my n!pples and talking in the Fat B@st@rd voice.

   Just completed a 7km run... These darn coppers don't give up that easily any more..

   You can call me the bus driver, because I'm taken everyone to school...

   This world is full of STDs... Sexually Transmitted DRAMA

   The drinking will continue until the economy improves

   The Weather is here...I wish you were beautiful...

   kids that stutter can blame their moms for using a vibrator while they were pregnant

   I only knew one LA Clipper fan before this season and he used to get made fun of everyday for it.

   That akwward moment when... you're trying to get over someone you never even dated.

   I hate when I'm about to chat someone and they go offline.

   you know your cooking sucks when you gotta post todays menu on facebook for it to be appreciated.

   Until I get a good woman, I have beer. Then after I get a good woman I will have her and beer.

   on my way to Walmart to take the "try me" stickers off the noise making toys and stick them on condom boxes

   So I'm home alone and heard a noise and got scared so I decided to get drunk. Then I made about 80 quesadillas SO NOW I'm trying to sell them and put Taco Bell out of business...Tell your friends!!

   I carry a knife, but it's just in case of cake.

   With dolly partons new face ,,she is now ready to play the Joker ,,,for the next Bat man movie The joker gone wild..!!

   Give the Haters what they came to see, a reflection of one self where they aim to be! Let the loser's worry about Losing!

   For my birthday I got a pimp chalice (coffee mug), a jet pack (soda maker) and a Samurai sword (pen). Never give up on your dreams, people.

   Don't let the kickass part scare you, I'm as harmless as a honey badgar.

   Ladies, please stop wearing sweatpants w/a corp logo on the butt. That area's only supposed to advertise YOU.