Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Advancements in phone technology are making it really difficult for me to make new excuses as to why I am ignoring them.

   #MANRULE men should NEVER ask "who's is it?"

   Guys, be sensitive. Fat people have feelings too. Usually hunger, shortness of breath, insecurity and itchiness in unreachable places

   #MANRULE!!! No man should moan during sex no matter how good it feels...

   Fella's let the woman wear the pants in the relationship...their coming off later anyway....

   The high school kids must of went back to school...the jokes are getting funnier....now we gotta get rid of the Canadians.

   has noticed the only one in the family still excited about there christmas presents is the dog

   She looks like she was rode hard and put away wet

   Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope

   During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel

   God created sex. Priests created marriage

   WHAT MAKES A GIRL GO "MMMMMMMMM"?............DUCT TAPE

   You this read wrong

   Why don't witches wear panties? So they can get a better grip on the broom.

   Smithers, I dont believe in suicide but it would help cheer me up if you tried it.

   "Daddy, what's a cross-dresser?" Ask mommy, he knows.

   The guy with the diesel-powered lawn equipment finished doing what he was doing in the nick of time. I've taken my finger off the trigger....

   Last time I checked, my name wasn't in the dictionary. Therefore, I can't be defined.

   I LOVE sleeping,,,,,, It's like being dead,,, Without all the commitment

   Takes one to know one cutie^