Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do women continue to buy men gifts when the 2 best gifts are free. Blow Jobs and Silence

   Went from being “in relationship” to being “single.” Modern Warfare 3 claims its first victim!

   Your ass must be super jealous of all of the sh*t coming out of your mouth…

   Girls if you ever hear from a man “Alcohol has been created so that ugly girls could have sex too…” proudly respond “Money has been created so that the ugly men can have sex too…”

   I'm not for everyone. That's okay. Everyone isn't for me either.

   To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girlfriends.

   Microwave: (noun) A hand gesture used by a midget to say hello.

   I want to be the one you fall for, when everyone else is falling for you.

   If you call me and I don't answer, it's exactly what you think. I ignored your call.

   You know when doctors leave the room they are just checking Web MD right?

   All I want for Christmas is for her let me stuff her stocking with my holiday joy.

   "That wasn't eggnog!" is a popular thing to yell this time of year, but I'm trying real hard not to yell it much.

   in support same sex marriages. Can you imagine how awesome Gay Divorce Court will be!!!!

   The bra section of Victoria's Secret. The only place in the world where women fail if they get an A…

   I haven't received one single greetings card from an Ethiopian . . . . . Do they know its Christmas???

   You should have told me that your love has an expiration date.

   Older women are called Cougars because their pu$$ies are big and hairy.

   A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

   I miss the days when Disney produced cartoons instead of teen floozies.

   A new day doesn't officially start until you take a shower.