Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   has noticed the only one in the family still excited about there christmas presents is the dog

   She looks like she was rode hard and put away wet

   Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope

   During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel

   God created sex. Priests created marriage

   WHAT MAKES A GIRL GO "MMMMMMMMM"?............DUCT TAPE

   You this read wrong

   Why don't witches wear panties? So they can get a better grip on the broom.

   Smithers, I dont believe in suicide but it would help cheer me up if you tried it.

   "Daddy, what's a cross-dresser?" Ask mommy, he knows.

   The guy with the diesel-powered lawn equipment finished doing what he was doing in the nick of time. I've taken my finger off the trigger....

   Last time I checked, my name wasn't in the dictionary. Therefore, I can't be defined.

   I LOVE sleeping,,,,,, It's like being dead,,, Without all the commitment

   Takes one to know one cutie^

   My goal on Saturday is to spend the maximum amount of time being horizontal as possible.

   I don't think we can be friends if you're not mentally & physically prepared to play my gen!tals like a naughty game of "Bop it".

   I thought about going out tonight but am too lazy to take a shower and clean up. Times like this, make me wish Walmart had a bar.

   I wish I could be gay just to piss off the haters

   I just killed someone with kindness but they were miraculously resurrected as a demi-douche and expunged me with brazen disregard.

   Just smoked some dried cat poop that I thought was weed, and now I think I'm turning Siamese!