Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I see UFOs every night until they turn into FOs.

   Dear Santa , before I try to explain . Just how much do you aleady know .

   having Deja vu. I think I've read these on twitter before.

   Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

   Chase down your passion like it's the last bus of the night

   well, the weather outside's delight-fulllll but my account? it's veeeeeeryyyy frightful!! what happened to all my dough??? I DUNNO, I DUNNO I DUNNOOOOOOH !!

   Just found out the results of my mammogram - I tested positive for having boobs

   The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word "facial" is used.

   Do you know why Beyonce sings "to the left, to the left"... because women have no rights. LOL

   I need new haters. The old ones are starting to like me.

   I never drink coffee at work mainly because it keeps me awake and alert.

   I just saw a commercial with Joan Rivers. Could her real face have been anywhere near as bad as that clown mask she had welded to the front of her head?

   When you post pictures of yourself flaunting money, I am forced to think you're not used to having it.

   If you put your kid's GPA in your Christmas card's the grandparents might be proud of them but everyone else is gonna think YOU'RE a di<k!

   The love of money is a root of all KINDS of evil (1 Timothy 6:10)

   money is the root of all evil I thought But when I'm broke is usually when I have the evilest thoughts.

   My famly takes monopoly very serious. Everyone brings their own calculator cuz we dont trust any Bankers since the bailout!

   The average life expectancy of a reindeer is 8-10 years. I think it's probably safe to quit singing about Rudolph.

   had a meal in a Chinese restaurant and got a fortune cookie that said "be not afraid to walk through the door of opportunity " so I left without paying

   Bought my son an iPad, my daughter an iPod. The wife got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon. She wasn't overjoyed even after I explained that it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook, iClean network. This activated the iNag software update