Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when I'm about to chat someone and they go offline.

   you know your cooking sucks when you gotta post todays menu on facebook for it to be appreciated.

   Until I get a good woman, I have beer. Then after I get a good woman I will have her and beer.

   on my way to Walmart to take the "try me" stickers off the noise making toys and stick them on condom boxes

   So I'm home alone and heard a noise and got scared so I decided to get drunk. Then I made about 80 quesadillas SO NOW I'm trying to sell them and put Taco Bell out of business...Tell your friends!!

   I carry a knife, but it's just in case of cake.

   With dolly partons new face ,,she is now ready to play the Joker ,,,for the next Bat man movie The joker gone wild..!!

   Give the Haters what they came to see, a reflection of one self where they aim to be! Let the loser's worry about Losing!

   For my birthday I got a pimp chalice (coffee mug), a jet pack (soda maker) and a Samurai sword (pen). Never give up on your dreams, people.

   Don't let the kickass part scare you, I'm as harmless as a honey badgar.

   Ladies, please stop wearing sweatpants w/a corp logo on the butt. That area's only supposed to advertise YOU.

   What's the difference between weather and climate? You can't weather a tree, but you can climate.

   Baby, You're rapidly replacing porn as the reason I get on the internet.

   Dear Mario, I wasted my childhood just to save your b!tch.

   Best invention ever; a mirror that takes pictures

   Baby, I would delete almost all of my p0rn for you.

   The NCAA is going to run this new commercial, "There are 11 players on Clemson's defense, and all of them will be going pro in something other than sports".

   If being sexy was a crime, they would never press any charges against you.

   Your lack of a Facebook Photo makes some wonder if you are shy, a wanted criminal or just intensely unattractive.

   Christian music: 2% thought provoking lyrics about god and life. 98% bad metaphors about god, that seem oddly sexual.