Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd like to see the tambourine make a roaring comeback into modern music.

   You can take off the sexy elf costume now....Steve.

   I got a Shake Weight for Christmas. I'm going to try strapping it to my pen!s.

   Take a moment to remember all the Elves that got laid off this holiday season.

   I gave myself an obscene amount of vodka. I'm so thoughtful.

   I wonder what would happen if I burn the tip of this branch on my Christmas tree? WHOOOOFFF

   I just want a Christmas like we used to have with all of us together pretending we're enjoying it.

   Christmas - when loved ones visit to celebrate someone born in a barn but complain that your sofabed's uncomfortable.

   Merry Christmas! Or as my grandma always says, "there are whispers coming from the poinsettia again."

   For Christmas I gave myself an obscene amount of vodka. I'm so thoughtful.

   having to grocery shop at Walgreens because everything else is closed :(

   Like if the T Mobile commercial gets your attention because you thought you heard "Walking in an Orgy Wonderland"!! Gets me every time!!

   Some people can't sleep because they suffer from insomnia. I can't sleep because I have an internet connection.

   so in the nativity scene...would Paris Hilton play the Virgin Mary or the cow?

   the only reason I enjoy Christmas is because it is the one time of the year that my habit of sitting in front of a dead tree, eating chocolates out of my socks, whilst waiting for a strange fat man to enter my house, is considered a normal event!

   I dont always drink tequila,but when I do,I get f**king beligerent...stay away from me my friends!

   "stepping on a frog"just isnt that funny at Christmas dinner at the in-laws.

   says Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I'm Confused :\

   The lump of coal I received this year was of exceptional quality, 9,326,423 years ago was a fine vintage year

   refusing to ride up Troy's bucket.