Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   what is up with these sweatpants and UGGS, totally NOT sexy

   I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack:)

   Dear grown folks, Stop going broke trying to look rich and act your WAGE:)

   A bald Barbie? It's about time the drapes matched the carpet!

   I grew up with six sisters. That's how I learned to dance - waiting to get into the bathroom.

   There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't

   I'm just waiting for Tim Tebow to get caught with a hooker and an 8 ball. You KNOW it's going to happen.

   I can't believe that it's the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.

   My 2 year old is going through a phase where she screams out what she is about to do before she does it. I had to explain to her that only adults on social networking sites were allowed to do that. :)

   My boyfriend yawned during sex, but I really have to blame the dog watching us because he yawned first.

   Naps are for old people. I was taking a horizontal life pause. :)

   Turn that baby's cry into a jazzy tune by putting a harmonica in it's mouth!

   If I was a bird, I know who I would $h!t on

   Just checked out the Ancestory site and found out that JAY-Z was 25% Camel

   i decided sayin ive got an appt with my privates investigater sounds way cooler than saying gynocologist

   I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I'll remember you.

   Google+ is like Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense. It doesn't know it's dead yet.

   I'm convinced the only thing new moms know how to do is upload pictures of their baby on facebook.

   I hate it when I wake up from drinking and I have "I love c0ck" written on my forehead. Especially when I've been drinking at home alone.

   would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids.