Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My doctor's waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more beautiful women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And booze.

   I am painting a blue square in the backyard, so google earth thinks I have a pool!

   You are more confused than a male lady bug

   I hate when stupid people try & make YOU feel stupid because they don't understand you.

   Let's stay together = let's change the channel

   Why don't we take this relationship to the next level and you loan me some money.

   Girlfriends are like credit cards, you can't get one unless you already have one.

   I was touched by an angel, inappropriately.

   Be still like a mountain and flow like a great river. But not during sex, that's just selfish.

   The best things in life are not things...they're acts. Whether it be acts of kindness, comedy acts, or sex acts.

   Schools need to include a new subject into the curriculum called, "Learn how to shut up and learn"

   If your child was pregnant at 16, why would you put them on a TV show? Isn't that kind of rewarding them for being a slut?

   Thought about asking someone if they wanted to be my "It's complicated" status...

   Swear I bet you if I was a hot chick and I left a status that said "I'm brushing my hair". It would get about 50 likes.

   I just bought a Dyson ball cleaner.......I should read the intructions because I'm pretty sure I'm not usng it properly

   It's funny how two females could hate one another because of a guy, but the guy doesn't give a damn about either one of them

   OK some Women want to be equal to Men... Send us flowers to work, pick us up for a date, open the car or any door for us, take us out to dinner and a movie flip the bill and leave the tip and you make the first move at the end of the date!!!

   We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.

   Those who drink to drown their sorrows should be taught that sorrows know how to swim.

   If Al Gore is so concerned about the bloody envorniment why does he write so many books......I guess it's ok to use trees and paper if you are making money off them.....envorinmentalists ....DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE