Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   nothing says American greed more then a packed mall one day after getting free stuff

   Wouldn't it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?

   C)-hrist gave H)-imself as a R)-eward so that I)-ndividuals know the S)-acrifices T)-hat he made for M)-ankind to A)-chieve the gift of S)-alvation.”

   If her p*ssy tastes like vinegar, she wasn't expecting you to get this far.”

   Lot of men don't realize the true worth of their wives.........until a judge decides the alimony amount

   The Day After Christmas Diet: Breakfast: Leftover lasagne Lunch: Leftover lasagne Dinner: Leftover lasagne Dessert: Leftover lasagne Beverage: Pureed leftover lasagne

   When my 2-year-old announces that she used the potty, everyone's so proud. I seem to get the completely opposite reaction.

   And thus begins the 11-month unemployment season for handbell choirs.

   Call me old-fashioned but I think the best part about Christmas is having your fist inside a 28-pound flightless bird.

   I don't t take my Christmas Tree down...I smoke it.

   I was pulled over by a woman cop this morning. Never knew kitchens had speed limits.

   Anybody else have a turkey hangover?

   I'm not saying you're easy, but when I look up something to do in your town it gives me your address.

   There's nothing more awkward then asking "who is this" when getting a heartfelt holiday text.

   I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.

   Whenever there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"

   I don't know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.

   You can wake up someone who is asleep but you can't wake up someone who is pretending to be asleep

   Dear Ticker...seriously I dont wanna know each click of my friends ........what's this!!!

   running around the house with a wrapping paper tube saying “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”