Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing says dumba$$ like re-gifting someone a gift they gave you.

   I picked up this chick last Friday night. I'm not saying she's fat or anything, but when I pulled her panties down to her knees, her a$$ was still in them. :(

   already gave my sub to Sally. Now get lost you manipulating b***h!

   New Years forecast: Partly drunk with scattered shots with 100 % chance of getting laid!

   My bucket list is just the words "afford things" written in orange crayon on a paper towel.

   My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.

   New Year's Resolution #2: Switch my username to “password” and my password to “username” to make it harder for hackers to figure out

   New Years Resolution #1 Incorporate bacon into a majority of my meals.

   They say money can't buy happiness… but it can buy bacon, and that is pretty darn close.

   So I told my bofriend I need a commitment from him so he sent his playboy subscribtion to my house

   Waking up for work :(-_-) .. Waking up on a saturday: \( 'O' )/

   The one night I wish I was a cop... amateur night.

   Can't wait till summer so I can enjoy long, romantic walks around tractor shows again....

   Finally changed my mood on MySpace to "ninja" but nobody saw me do it.

   Strong just means you suck up the pain better not that it doesn't hurt.

   You say drug dealer, I say illegal happiness entrepreneur.

   Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house

   I think about running away from home more often as an adult than I ever did when I was a kid.

   ....... ATTENTION ..... Today is the LAST hump day in 2011 ....... there will never ever .... for all eternity ..... be another hump day in 2011 ....... so get out there and get as much humping in today as possible ............. that is all .... you may n

   Out of all of Santa's reindeer, the one that sounds most like a street name for crystal meth is all of them.