Funny Status Messages

   Now who is holding up the stimulus checks. yep you guessed wicked witch of the East Capitol.

   As I recall, A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

   Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

   I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

   Looking for a date, he must -be an alpha male -not shave -howl at the moon -not eat all the dog biscuits at once -ok I’ve been single for too long

   Why do we call them “stoners” and not “your highness”

   I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

   I want Pizza not your opinion

   “That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please” -Veterinarians

   A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks ago and it still hurts. I can’t believe it’s not better.

   I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card. Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

   Columbus Day is one thing, but I'm still upset about my personal holiday. No, not my Birthday. I'm talking about Fat Tuesday. 😛

   A smoothie is not worth $14, but the cleanup of a blender is.

   The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

   Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

   I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.

   Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

   Every Halloween I turn on Unchained Melody, and sit in front of a pottery wheel in the hopes that Patrick Swayze will return.

   People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

   YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity