Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fact: you can't wake someone who has Parkinson up by shaking him.

   can't make it rain cause, my coupons might drown me! xD

   Anti-obesity ads featuring fat kids are causing controversy in Georgia. Unfortunately, none of them are forced to to the "truffle shuffle."

   "We found lunch in a homeless place" - Rihanna in a soup kitchen

   I was gonna update my status, but then I got high.

   If you ever hire me to work for you, don't pay me money, pay me with 12 cases of beer. That's where all the money is going anyway!

   What concert ticket costs 0.45 cents? .... 50 cent Feat. Nickleback....

   men always notice it's cold when their nipples become larger than their balls

   go out tonight and sow your wild oats, then wake up tomorrow and pray like hell for crop failure.

   Happy Beer the 13th

   4000 women in Scotland may have breast implants with silicone intended for mattresses. Imagine. Boobs with memory foam and sleep numbers.

   I like jury duty because it's a fun reminder that one day my life could be in the hands of a guy wearing Velcro shoes.

   "Dude she has a bf" " Yeah so? Soccer has a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score"

   wondering if I'll still be able to get funny updates for my facebook on Jan.18th once the SOPA bill takes effect. Wait, will I even have a Facebook??!?

   Why do people complain about how broke/poor they are sitting at the bar drinking beer and smoking cigarettes?

   The only thing more stressful than a blind date is meeting a new drug dealer for the first time.

   I bought a bag of air that contained some chips

   No, it's not OK to call him "tardy", but if he does it again it's OK to call him a "re-tard".

   We now live in a time where people choose their insurance providers based on who's TV commercial is funnier

   I never banng a blakc chikk, not 'cause I'm rasis it's just that I'm more of a "run my fingers through her hair" kinda guy.