Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My new year's resolution is to make better bad decisions.

   The world would be a better place without guns. Then we could focus on important things...like how to kill a man with one punch.

   If I ever find a hot chick's "To Do" list. I'm so adding my name to the bottom.

   Gold Digger is another term for "smart hooker"

   Just once, I wish WebMD would tell me "relax...it's only gas".

   If you are the one who always make plans, remember all the anniversaries, do all the crying and forgiving in a relationship, end it.

   Fellas: Make sure you always treat the women in your life with respect and dignity. From your grandmother, mother, sister to your girlfriend or wife, because a woman never forgets how you treat her.

   I know I'm a few days early but I'll just go ahead and say it, anybody... I mean.. ANYBODY who says "see you next year" on New Years eve to me is getting punched in the face. FYI

   lol @ "If he pauses his game to text you back, marry him".. We never pause it, we're just waiting to respawn.

   I need a new refrigerator. There's no food in mine.

   Brees created quite the Hurricane in New Orleans tonight

   It's amazing how quickly a MILF becomes a MILL (Mom I'd Like to Leave)

   I think most of Adele's songs are about a cheeseburger.

   And thus begins the 11-month unemployment season for handbell choirs.

   Subway is like prostitution. You pay a stranger to do your wife's job .

   No updates this morning. Cant find anything worth stealing from anywhere...

   You people that are all cleaned up with the tree out of the house need to stop showing off. The rest of us are drowning in cardboard boxes and pine needles.

   My family is from so far out in the country that my mammy doesn't know she is free. No one will tell her b/c her cornbread off the hook.

   Golfing today and noticed a Partridge under a Pine Tree. Stupid bird ruined the song.

   Being single and screaming out "SINGLE & LOVING IT!" Yeah don't do that...you don't have a choice