Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What can I say ... I'm The Guy that Adele is singing about !

   Its a dog, not an accessory! Get that poor thing outta your purse lady!!

   "Meet local singles here." No thanks randomly placed ad. I know local singles and there is a reason they are in fact single!

   I love this global warming! Who cares if my Grand kids won't get to see a Polar bear. I didn't get to see a dinosaur, & I turned out ok. At least the melting ice caps will cover Jersey Shore with water, so they won't have to see that either.

   My friend asked me today what the name of the show is where they go fishing and catch all the crabs..I said "Jersey Shore"...Was I wrong?

   I got 99 problems but the clap aint one

   People who bring their own bags to the grocery store always look like they're waiting for applause.

   I don't want to make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the hat I wore in high-school.

   I like hearing how actors shouldn't have political opinions from people who worship Ronald Reagan.

   There is one vision that gives me constant happiness, your two enormous breasts

   I play real sports…I'm not trying to be the best at exercising

   This toilet seat is frickin cold!!

   Do you ever take a couple of ibuprofen just in case?

   As boy's we all way's wondered what was in a girl's diary.Now facebook has shown us !!

   Somewhere in Africa right now, a honey badger is calmly eating cobras, unaware that last night it jumped the shark.

   If I ever do drag... My stage name is going to be Amber Alert.. That way I'll have everyone looking out for me

   The problem with the whole 'Tebow' thing is the prevalent Christian mentality that god has the time to help Tebow make a miraculous 80-yard touchdown, yet He can't be bothered to save innocent children who are dying of cancer, or are being murdered.,

   Friendship between a fat person and a skinny person must always be viewed with the suspicion it deserves.

   What is the real value of a RAT'S ASS? And why do we refuse to GIVE ONE? If I had one, ur welcome to it.

   if I took a drink every time Musburger said "Honey Badger", I would have passed out in the 3rd quarter.