Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I get angry, I calm myself down by repeating these 5 words over and over again, “Bartender, Give Me A Double”

   Even with all your flaws the right person is still going to think that the sun shines out of your ass.

   Auto correct can go straight to He'll.

   Dear Internet Users, Someday, you're going to regret not reading me... Sincerely, Terms & Conditions.

   On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

   I will no longer respect Marine Biologists, if they don't name the new shark species, "Gary Busey"

   My girlfriend told me that she has bronchitis. I wish I had a dinosaur.

   Sh!t happens. Just flush the toilet and move on...!

   Im the guys she marrys, your the guy she only loves in a handicapped bathroom.

   HOSTESS has filled for Bankruptcy Protection !!! What is this world coming too? The Good News is the Twinkies will Outlast us all. I think the shelf life is um, Forever.

   Damn, you look better than ever. LOL JK, you've been hittin up McDonalds lately, right?

   Brb = looking for an excuse to stop talking to you

   not to be rude but, I really don't care.. like, at all.

   having his name changed ti zippidy do wap peddy pop

   "I wasn't that high!" "Dude, you walked into class, late, sat down & tried to put your seatbelt on."

   Today I saw a homeless man holding a sign that said "why live in a $100k home when I can live under a 3 million dollar bridge?"

   I love reading Facebook drama, people go so hard behind that keyboard!

   Dwayne Wade n Chris Bosh both took cpr classes this summer... just incase Lebron decides to choke again this year.

   Today I changed my name in my dads phone to God and when he swore I texted him saying "I HEARD THAT!" The look on his face; priceless.

   I don't care if you think I'm crazy. Life is too short to be normal!