Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dr. Phil died. I mean... he's dead to me. Close enough.

   Rhinos are really just old, fat unicorns. Don't argue. you know i'm right.

   It's a small world. Unless you gotta walk home.

   My cats think I'm the best cook.

   I don't think I could be friends with anyone desperate enough to choose me as their emergency contact.

   Why I wear thick, fluffy socks: 1% Comfort 1% Warmth 98% Increased ability to slide across floor like a fricken ninja on an invisible surfboard

   I guess I should come up with a plan B in case the murderer that breaks into my house figures out how to get this blanket off of me.

   We all have chapters, in our lives, we don't want published. Be reminded though that it's those chapters which make the book worth reading.

   On the internet you can be whoever you want. It's odd that so many choose to be stupid.

   Have a headache take medicine, side effects- drowsiness, hunger, loss of family and baldness up to three months,

   people ask me why I don't have any tattoos I tell em " would you put a bumper sticker on your ferrari?

   The planet Saturn = 7 rings, Michael Jordan = 6 rings, Kobe Bryant = 5 rings, LeBron James........... Just a headband

   The only thing worse than having a mouthful of chili when you sneeze is to have a nose full of chili AFTER you sneeze! F*ck ME!!!!

   One positive thing about internet dating: you're guaranteed to click with whoever you meet.

   As a parent, I find myself using the same cliches my parents did.... for example, "Wimp! It's only Everclear!"

   Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."

   I'm not fat because I want to be.... rather, I think it's my best chance to land a skinny mate.

   I hate it when I wake up from drinking, and half of my head is shaved, I have shaving cream in one hand, and the other hand is in a glass of warm water; especially when I've been drinking at home alone

   the only reason why your girlfriend likes your d!ck is because her mom told her to enjoy the little things in life.

   For 20 yrs Jay-Z referred to other men's daughters as b!tches & hoes then decides his own daughter Princess Baby Jesus is exempt from the game!