Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BOP IT! TWIST IT! PULL IT! ..... And that's how I lost my pen1s.

   People who check behind their shower curtains for murderers. If you do find one, what's your plan?

   Yo, Momma got a Ticket for driving in the HOV Lane ...She told the officer "I didn't see that v up there".

   What's my favorite animal? A Grey Goose duh,,

   Ghetto word of the day: COLOGNE. Usage: "You think you cologne me a dollar or two?"

   Mexican and black jokes are pretty much all the same. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

   Golf is like sex. If you're playing somewhere classy, wash your balls first.

   GUYS: If you're lookin' for an easy bang, any girl that has her Blackberry PIN in her bio is the answer.

   Its one of those «Depends» mornings.... That's where you have to pee real bad and don't want to get out of bed. But if you had «Depends» on you probably wouldnt;;;;;;;

   "Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge."

   "I love to cook with wine, sometimes I even put it in the food."

   "As an alternative to dieting, I'm going to simply refer to myself as "value-sized"."

   5 years and nine months after you do it doggy style...prepare to feel guilty by the products puppy eyes!

   She just kept b!tching about me drinking to much beer, so I said I could deal with this hangover better if you would shut the f^ck up.

   All the stupid Tebow trolls can GFY... Brady is gods chosen son sorry Bronco fans...

   Man posted "saved 30 people from a fire" 2 ppl like this, female half naked in her pic posted "the mail man didnt come today"= 65 ppl like this

   If there is a good chance your son will go to prison as an adult , don't name him Vivian .

   I wish this conversation had GPS because you lost me about 20 words ago.

   My friend's 3 year old asked me to marry her today & I said yes, but now I don't want to. (She's mean & she dresses weird)

   Nothing excites me more than seeing my knife shine in the moonlight. Now I wait.