Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Beer the 13th

   4000 women in Scotland may have breast implants with silicone intended for mattresses. Imagine. Boobs with memory foam and sleep numbers.

   I like jury duty because it's a fun reminder that one day my life could be in the hands of a guy wearing Velcro shoes.

   "Dude she has a bf" " Yeah so? Soccer has a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score"

   wondering if I'll still be able to get funny updates for my facebook on Jan.18th once the SOPA bill takes effect. Wait, will I even have a Facebook??!?

   Why do people complain about how broke/poor they are sitting at the bar drinking beer and smoking cigarettes?

   The only thing more stressful than a blind date is meeting a new drug dealer for the first time.

   I bought a bag of air that contained some chips

   No, it's not OK to call him "tardy", but if he does it again it's OK to call him a "re-tard".

   We now live in a time where people choose their insurance providers based on who's TV commercial is funnier

   I never banng a blakc chikk, not 'cause I'm rasis it's just that I'm more of a "run my fingers through her hair" kinda guy.

   Worked out for an hour. Ate two brownies. Somehow I am able to justify this because its Friday...

   What if birds are just out of control napkins.

   Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government

   Someone stole my wife identity and her credit score went up. Even they couldn't spend that much.

   feeling more lazy than the fuy who invented the japanese flag

   If a mentally challenged kid is late for class, is it ok to call him tardy

   We now live in a culture where ppl choose their insurance providers based on who has the most comedic TV commercials.

   If I seem disinterested it's only because I'm a terrible actor.

   Paula Deen selling Diabetes Drugs is like Courtney Love selling methadone.