Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Coming soon this decade, GREAT DEPRESSION 2. Starring the U.S. Citizens. Produced by NWO. Directed by "The Ones Who Run This Country". This event is rated EF for Everybody's F*cked. 
Do you look at a Doritos chip closely at how much flavor is on it right before you eat it? The more flavor, the better.
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge ... when I'm high.
“Can I use your phone to call my mom?” “Yeah, just hit redial…
that annoying feeling that results from when I comment on someones status/pic and they dont respond but when the next person does..they write a novel response and yet still ignoring my comment and I'm stuck in between
"You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that" - Life
My vegetarian friend could not understand why I brought a bottle of ketchup on our hiking trip. “In case we get lost.” He's slow. Tasty slow.
I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, Shark, Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him
I just cooked vegetables on my Foreman Grill....is that even legal....I feel dirty..
that moment of joy after feeling you've created the greatest status... then a half hour passes and your contemplating suicide since you have not a single like
Why are the first tissues the hardest to get out of the box? I just need one, not ten...
That time after the break up when your driving and the only radio stations you are left with are talk radio and mexican polka.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned
Pack of gum, 10 chances to turn an enemy into a friend
In hindsight, allowing girls into our treehouse would have been a great idea.
Does a prostitute file pregnancy as a work-related accident?
Governments that try to control the Internet are SOPAthetic.
Girl says "if you dont like what I post then dont read it or delete me", now I'm getting messages in my inbox from the girl not understanding why I deleted her.
A team of researchers have concluded the "G-spot" doesn't exist. Obviously they were looking in the wrong place....
I should probably press charges on myself after the shower I just took. 