Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Declining a Facebook friend request is one of the finer moments in life.

   Steven Tyler singing the national anthem proves he needs a band behind him....he cannot sing.

   Think she might leave you? Take pictures of her naked in case she does.

   I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises. Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.

   I've heard that the hardest part of Rollerblading is telling your parents that you're gay.

   If you google "Republican Debate" your computer starts to yawn.

   If you see any grown man with beads at the end of his braids, please knock his azz TF out

   They might as well start teaching texting while driving in driver's education classes.

   Your beer goggles say she's a 9, but my BROnoculars say she's a 3.

   Ed Hardy makes the "find the douchebag" game really easy.

   Makeup, soda, sandwich, texting, talking, then I realized she was driving the car in front of me, in traffic.

   I only like foods that begin with the word "cheesy".

   In porn, large breasted women home alone order a LOT of pizza and never have money. They've lots to learn about nutrition & cash management.

   Need to call in a hot female carpenter to fix this morning wood.

   "They're meh." --Tony the Tiger, off his Paxil for a few days

   Around here we commonly refer to our intellectual property as 'our sh!t'.

   If you emphasize the po in police they're probably already after you.

   A heads up to girls on Facebook .. if your status says "single" and your profile picture is you with your cat - Well then that is why

   I call bullsh!t on these retro bottles of Coca-Cola. They make you add your own cocaine.

   According to WebMC, I be illin'.