Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Best thing to hear at work "yall just wait here for a while"

   I think all the presidential candidates should be required to appear on who's smarter than a 5th grader ! Then we'll decide !!!

   I've been absolutely furious for no reason lately. Maybe I'll feel better if I find a good psychiatrist and beat him to death.

   Speaking of 5 Guys...You want a burger with those fries?

   My gf says she's got crabs ..so I went out and bought her a pair of fish net stockings

   I'll probably be a pretty successful ghost someday since I already refuse to leave the house.

   GAGA: So famous, even babies know her name .

   Anything worth doing at all, is worth doing right.

   1. Open fridge. Nothing to eat. 2. Open pantry. Nothing to eat. 3. Lower standards and repeat

   A girl just flirted with me at a coffee shop. Told her to call me when she's 18 (pounds heavier; I like 'em thick)

   False praise helps no one. That's why I tell children exactly how terrible their drawings are. It's called Managing Expectations.

   Gonna hit the showers. You can do whatever you want with that information.

   I don't got much to do today, I suppose I should do something productive. I'll probably go on ahead and pre-cook this 13lbs of bacon in my fridge. You know... In case of emergency

   My girlfriend has been looking for a tampon that fits her properly for years. She's finally given up and thrown in the towel

   An Itailan officer doing a u-turn and running !!!......who would have thought ?!!!

   My neighbor is sleeping off his hangover on my front lawn again. I think he needs another drink.

   Going where the cool people are... Outside!!

   Fact: the domestic Cat remains the only species that's trained humans to clean up poop in exchange for conditional love.

   Why isn't "talk like Samuel L. Jackson day" a thing yet?

   Sign my online petition to stop online petitions.