Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when I'm singing a song and a co-worker thinks they can join in and sing with me. D!ckhead, this is not Glee!

   I'm starting to think that when people tell me "I can't believe you have a child!" they aren't referring to my youthful appearance.

   How I Sext: HER: :-P ME: 8===D HER: :-O ME: 8===D~~~ HER: :-) ME: ZZZZzzzzz

   making a Sexual Bucket List: 50 Things to Do Sexually Before You Die

   Sometimes.... when I cut onions.... I cry...for no reason... I cry... What the f**k is this vegetable trying to tell me ???

   I see your lips moving, but I just hear blah blah blah

   Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” I said, “I am.”!!!

   You can play mario for the pc, or playstation but it wont be the same if you dont have a NES controller in your hand

   Yesterday my fat girlfriend gave herself a landing strip. Today she got hit by a plane.

   Nothing in life is “fun for the whole family.”

   On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me????

   I don't think I've ever heard a car alarm go off for a legit reason..

   EGSG «—- Scrambled eggs

   I hate when I'm eating cereal and the last 5 pieces are like "Try n' catch me bro!"

   Any man that believes women are "the weaker sex" has never tried to reclaim his half of the blankets on a cold winter's night.

   Heat Fans on Fire....... "Sorry, what you said honey? You screwing my neighbor....oh ok, I'll talk to you after the game!"

   My buddy who is obsessed with lesbians said, "You can't beat two lesbians doing scissors." I said, "You can if you've rock."

   I just got done cleaning out my pond for the winter and I found pebbles stuck in the filter. Fred and Wilma are going to be devistated. :(

   Obama to visit Disney World on Thursday. I guess they are planning on expanding and hiring more people or he just wants another vacation

   I can have hundreds and hundreds of friends on facebook, but that won't stop me from saying "WTF!?" when that number goes down by one...