Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What I learned from Movies: No matter how fast you run, a psychopath can catch up to you by walking slowly

   Has discovered why losing weight when you are older is so difficult. The fat and your body have become such good friends that they don't wan to be separated.

   They told God that Joe Paterno was waiting at the Pearly Gates. And then God passed that information along to the proper authorities.

   My elderly neighbor wanted to know what my email number was.

   Congrats to all the Third world children who will be getting their 2012 Ravens Super Bowl ,and AFC championship sweatshirts and hats next week.

   FACT: it panics the nurses when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor.

   Am I the only one that when somebody says "10 years ago", thinks about 90's instead of 2002?

   Captain Crunch of the Italian cruise liner just invited Billy Cundiff to his Super Bowl party!

   Kristen Chenoweth, an actress........way better than Steven Tyler, a "singer".

   Admit it, When your were little and you swallowed a fruit seed you were scared to death a tree was going to grow in your tummy.

   pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles... BURGER!!!

   "The cancer was initially treatable but the x-ray tech who saw it didn't bother to report it to the proper authorities.

   A lot can happen in 2mins during football.. Like 47 useless commericals..For instance..

   Country music backwards . He gets his truck , his house and his dog back .

   Biggest lie- I'm not drinking no more after tonight

   I wish I had a "friend with benefits." By benefits I mean they would own an ice cream store, and the benefits would be free ice cream.

   I bought a used sex doll. I like a woman with experience.

   My iPhone just auto-corrected "I will be home shortly" to "I wish I was single"

   Some people's morning breath is an effective form of birth control.

   My girlfriend said I should get the same hairstyle as Justin Bieber. So I shaved off my pubic hair.