Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have 2 missed calls from my mother. I think it's safe to say that by now there's a rescue team out there looking for me.

   I used some Special Shampoo to increase the volume of my Hair. Now it's so loud I can't hear myself think.

   I just sent out my daily 6am text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I'm going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up."

   I feel I have an on and off relationship with clothes.

   In grade school it's called bullying but when you get older it's referred to as upper level management.

   It's too bad you can't punch someone's personality.

   Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?

   HEY PEOPLE DRIVING IN SNOW, IF TRAFFIC'S REALLY BAD MAKE SURE YOU TAKE YOUR EYES OFF THE ROAD AND TYPE IN A TWEET ABOUT IT, OK?

   My vet has more hair coming out of his ears than my dog. Pretty rad.

   Want to hurt someone's confidence? Shoot them with a gun.

   How much teenagers care about politics. Regular topic: lol wat? Presidential election: meh. Threaten the Internet: it's the most important thing ever.

   snow!! where as..all lawns are created equal

   Sometimes I wish there was a 'Build-a-Girlfriend'.

   As hard as DJ khaled trys I can never take him serious

   Saturday morning = lazy lay in my bed and fart under my sheets all day :)

   marry the 1st girl who unhooks it for you! She hates to see you struggle

   I have this roomie who must go thru half a roll of toilet paper every time she uses the bathroom. I'm going broke. Some people are so @nal when it comes to wiping their a$$.

   Behind every great man is a great woman telling him he's not as great as he thinks he is.

   "My alarm clock probably thinks I have anger-management issues."

   The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.