Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A girl just flirted with me at a coffee shop. Told her to call me when she's 18 (pounds heavier; I like 'em thick)

   False praise helps no one. That's why I tell children exactly how terrible their drawings are. It's called Managing Expectations.

   Gonna hit the showers. You can do whatever you want with that information.

   I don't got much to do today, I suppose I should do something productive. I'll probably go on ahead and pre-cook this 13lbs of bacon in my fridge. You know... In case of emergency

   My girlfriend has been looking for a tampon that fits her properly for years. She's finally given up and thrown in the towel

   An Itailan officer doing a u-turn and running !!!......who would have thought ?!!!

   My neighbor is sleeping off his hangover on my front lawn again. I think he needs another drink.

   Going where the cool people are... Outside!!

   Fact: the domestic Cat remains the only species that's trained humans to clean up poop in exchange for conditional love.

   Why isn't "talk like Samuel L. Jackson day" a thing yet?

   Sign my online petition to stop online petitions.

   I can just imagine a conversation between Mike Jones and an owl...

   Some of you women need to stop using shovels to apply makeup.

   3am text message "Hey are you asleep?" No I'm scuba diving, what the hell do you want?

   "You actually have friends?" ... "Yeah, all 10 seasons on DVD!"

   Time to photoshop my life Touch up the edges, adjust the tones,blur out the background, focus on me, and crop people out...

   You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither

   it true that in prison sometimes a man will try to kiss another gentleman even if he doesn't want to kiss him back?

   According to SOPA you can get five years for downloading a Michael Jackson song illegally, that's a year more than the doctor who killed him.

   Why is congress trying to get involved with PIPA, shes not even from the US