Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently punching an alien looking thing in the face and saying "Welcome to Earth" isn't acceptable on a newborn baby

   My stick figure family is just a burrito, a television, and a bottle of whiskey. Do they make those stickers?

   If money grew on trees, girls would date monkeys! But then again most of them already do.

   I don't know who makes more idle threats: Iran threatening the U.S. Navy in the Persian Gulf or Rex Ryan of the Jets threatening to win a Superbowl every year?

   Size 12 and Up Skinny Jeans should be made illegal.

   I know the world is NOT going to end in 2012 because Marty McFly traveled to the year 2015.

   Please don't start calling me 'hero' but this lady collapsed at the grocery store and I was the first one to call for a clean up in Aisle 3.

   So far, my resolution to teach the dog Tai Chi is much more difficult than you would think.

   All grocery store bathrooms are required by law to look like the set of one of the "Saw" movies.

   If you are one, 'stop being a procrastinator' should take precedence over all other resolutions. Starting tomorrow.

   I'm starting to think I'll never be old enough to know better.

   Katy Perry kissed a guy that looks like a girl and apparently didn't like it.

   You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

   I think all Walmart bathrooms are required by law to look like the set of one of the "Saw" movies.

   Doesn't seem like a good sign that I asked for a to-go box at this Mexican restaurant, and they brought me a casket.

   The only people who still leave voicemail messages are bill collectors and moms.

   The awkard moment when you realize Valentines day is approaching fast and the only one who loves you is your pet..

   FACT: Hairy women like rough sex!

   If I had $100 for everytime I read something funny on your Facebook page, I would still be broke.

   The first step toward drinking is admitting you're not drunk.