Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My neighbor is sleeping off his hangover on my front lawn again. I think he needs another drink.

   Going where the cool people are... Outside!!

   Fact: the domestic Cat remains the only species that's trained humans to clean up poop in exchange for conditional love.

   Why isn't "talk like Samuel L. Jackson day" a thing yet?

   Sign my online petition to stop online petitions.

   I can just imagine a conversation between Mike Jones and an owl...

   Some of you women need to stop using shovels to apply makeup.

   3am text message "Hey are you asleep?" No I'm scuba diving, what the hell do you want?

   "You actually have friends?" ... "Yeah, all 10 seasons on DVD!"

   Time to photoshop my life Touch up the edges, adjust the tones,blur out the background, focus on me, and crop people out...

   You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither

   it true that in prison sometimes a man will try to kiss another gentleman even if he doesn't want to kiss him back?

   According to SOPA you can get five years for downloading a Michael Jackson song illegally, that's a year more than the doctor who killed him.

   Why is congress trying to get involved with PIPA, shes not even from the US

   If SOPA really goes down.... I might murder a government official, armed only with an empty iPod and ear phones...

   Blowing inside cartridges was considered "Loading" back in my early years of gaming.

   5 guys for lunch ...the burger place, you sickos

   The captain of the Costa Concordia is maintaining he only abandoned ship before the passengers because he tripped and fell in to a life boat. I find this very feasible as I once accidently tripped and my pen!s fell in to my wife's sister.

   if I had a penny that fell from above everytime I fell in love...i'll be rolling in my money, everyday would be sunny and i'll be looking forward to my next break up

   Attention Club Lonely... Keep posting those deep, philosophical, pseudo, life enriching quotes on your profiles. It tells the opposite sex what a day at the amusement park you are.