Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She asked him, "What kind of wedding would you want?" He replied, "The one that would make you my wife."

   thinks they should make one of those laser pointer things that instantly detect STD's so you can point it at people when they try to shake your hand or hug you.

   People think I'm quiet because I'm shy, but really I've been silently judging them from afar and determining that they're all phucking retards

   you're not fat, you are just easy to see

   Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by a$$holes!

   DEAR SIDEWALK, Please get wider... SINCERELY, 3rd FRIEND WALKING BEHIND FEELING EXCLUDED.

   "I wasn't that drunk" "Dude, you picked up a little Mexícan girl and screamed, 'DORA! I NEED YOUR MAP TO GET HOME!'" @____@

   WOMAN'S LOGIC... Bikini: no problem Underwear and Bra: OMG!!! DONT LOOK!!!

   A relationship is like a house. When a light bulb burns out you do not go and buy a new house, you fix the light bulb

   Everybody talks about my drinking but nobody talks about my thirst.

   That unfortunate moment when you accidentally make a fart sound with your chair... and you spend the next 30 minutes trying to recreate the sound so everyone knows you didn't ACTUALLY fart.

   Why is driving so hard for some people? I mean, its like coloring! All you do is stay between the f*cking lines!

   bThe awkard moment when the only thing you know on your test is your name.

   Toy Story must have been written by a woman. Who else would name their toys Woody and Buzz!!

   I like enlarged buttocks and I cannot stop myself from telling the truth.

   Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.

   Guys with great penmanship probably jack-off to other men with that fancy writing hand of theirs.

   Hold on, I'm trying to give a f!ck

   I hate winter because I can't sniff bike seats.

   I pulled into Dunkin Doughnuts drive thru and a women appeared at the window and asked, "may I take your order". Jedi Master am I.