Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Earlier my friend said to me. "What's dizzle my nizzle?" So I brizzled his jizzle and now he's in the hospizzle.

   I don't care how smart your phone is, it's not going to change how stupid you are.

   That gorgeous moment when you acknowledge the undeniable presence of an a$$hole inside you.

   Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.

   It's pure comedy to watch Kim & Kourtney complain about paparazzi when they get paid to have cameras follow them for the reality show.

   Throwing breadcrumbs is the duck equivalent of making it rain.

   Behind every great man, there's a great woman. So just put another great woman in front of that man and you got a Great Man Sandwich!

   I don't know why my neighbor threw this half-full bottle of bleach in the trash, it tastes perfectly fine!

   What is the weight limit on this roller coaster ??.....Because I am a little over my goal weight right now!!

   Work is the hardest place to avoid talking to people who don't know what the hell they're talking about.

   Tell the haters to keep it to themselves...we call that MASTURHATING!!!

   Things are getting serious with my boyfriend: He is about to introduce me to his wife! #ThatsWhatSheSaid

   I hate when men stare at me. It's like, can't a girl use the urinal in peace?

   Imagine if there was drinking game called Tim Tebow and you take a shot everytime you hear his name, I believe half of facebook would be hammered.

   that awkard moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the cold water came out

   Part of me says "I can wear my sunglasses at night"...But the other part says "Fool you know you clumsy enough in the daytime"...

   who else pretends someone you like is randomly watchin u, so that you do whatever you were doing 10x better?

   To do list: go to a bank wearing a ski mask. complete a normal transaction. leave as if nothing happened.

   you know your hungry when your stomach sounds like chewbacca with a ballpoint pen up his a$$

   Jesus: "Spare the lives of the over 30,000 children due to die from starvation today or help Tebow log a symbolic 316 yards against the Steelers? Hmmm..."