Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never get tired of a woman saying oh my God its so big when I pull down my pants.

   I've been missing my wife lately.... but my aim is improving

   Women's Ass Sie Study..30% of women think their ass is too fat..10% of women think their ass is too skinny..The reminaing 60% say they dont care,they love him,he's a good man & they wouldn"t trade him for the world!

   I just watched Godzilla backwards. It's like, it's about this dinosaur who insanely pieces a city back together, then moonwalks into the ocean.

   The hell with what song was number one when I was born, I wanna know what kinky $hit my parents were listening to when I was conceived.

   Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?

   I like to drink before I go to the movies, it loosens me up so I can talk to the people around me.

   it is impossible for any man to walk past a punching bag and not hit it at least twice

   If homosexuals are going to hell, the interior design down there is going to be fabulousss.

   They should make a matchmaking site for single socks.

   TSPARKS, take it easy bro, this is not Twitter.

   Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop

   Remember, alcohol is way cheaper than therapy.

   Lost my Droid for an hour. The day I lost my daughter at the zoo is now the second most terrifying experience of my life

   I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks

   I read an article the other day that said "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic" thank god I only drink every night!!

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments

   Sometimes the Birthday reminders on facebook remind me of the friends.i need to delete

   I dieted for a month and all I lost was 30 days

   Smoking doesnt kill people...People who are trying to quit smoking kill people