Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never trust a woman with smelly armpits.

   A friend in need is a friend who's going straight to voicemail.

   Myspace, the Nickelback of the internet.

   Leaving your cell phone unlocked near your girlfriend is like leaving a cake near a fat kid. They will sure as hell go through that sh!t.

   Ghetto word of the Day: DISAPPOINTMENT. Usage: My Parole officer said if I miss disappointment they gonna throw my ass back in jail.

   Hey Rihanna, do you mind if me if me, Lil Wayne, Drake & the guys skateboard on your forehead?

   Keep your woman close and your cell phone closer!

   waking up early is for the birds....

   if you use the word "chillaxin" your automatically a cornball in my book.

   if you act like a douche i'm gonna call you "eve"

   Spongebob is Definetly Asian! he's Yellow! he knows Karate and he cant drive.

   No peace at home = no piece at home.

   Dont be disappointed if ppl refuse to help you.... remember the words of Einstein.... "Im thankful for those who said "NO" because of them I did it myself!" ツ ♡

   I haven't spoken to my wife in 8 days because she hates it when I interrupt her

   I blew up my air mattress and now it's asking for a cigarette.

   Was I supposed to write something here?

   Tim Tebow predicted Alabama's win at 3:16 this afternoon

   if you can't win an argument, correct their grammar instead.

   Love? No I prefer vodka

   Thought of something brilliant? Just google it, and you will soon realize how uncreative you really are.