Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's SO ADORABLE when my kid's fish sleeps upside down. Because that's what it's doing. Sleeping upside down. At least until I go to Petco.

   Every girl I bring home is unemployed, drunk and on drugs. I'm starting to think that whole "opposites attract" thing is bullsh$t

   Whenever I have a dream about someone, It's always awkward seeing them the next day.

   I can't believe Lou Gehrig's parents named him after a DISEASE

   Faithful on your wall, but cheating in their FB inbox.

   Instead of a wallet, I always keep my money in an envelope that says "For the orphans" so people will feel terrible if I'm ever murdered.

   Advancements in phone technology are making it really difficult for me to make new excuses as to why I am ignoring them.

   #MANRULE men should NEVER ask "who's is it?"

   Guys, be sensitive. Fat people have feelings too. Usually hunger, shortness of breath, insecurity and itchiness in unreachable places

   #MANRULE!!! No man should moan during sex no matter how good it feels...

   Fella's let the woman wear the pants in the relationship...their coming off later anyway....

   The high school kids must of went back to school...the jokes are getting funnier....now we gotta get rid of the Canadians.

   has noticed the only one in the family still excited about there christmas presents is the dog

   She looks like she was rode hard and put away wet

   Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope

   During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel

   God created sex. Priests created marriage

   WHAT MAKES A GIRL GO "MMMMMMMMM"?............DUCT TAPE

   You this read wrong

   Why don't witches wear panties? So they can get a better grip on the broom.