Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   whenever people ask me why I am putting on so much weight, I like to answer with,"Well, trying to grow brea$ts so I can get more likes on my status updates!"

   You know its tax season when people start posting pictures of their rent money

   The dislikes for the above post...guess where THEY live?

   You can take the "trash" out of the trailer, but you can't take the "trailer" out of the trash.

   6.9 billion people, 6.9 billion different opinions about life, the world, and God.

   No, I'm not cheap, I'm just smart with my money.

   I have a ton of children's book ideas. Has anyone ever done an uplifting tale about a kitten on the Titanic?

   Internet thugs, they all need hugs.

   Being able to say no is a talent.

   I touched her hand. Her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I got some boob. Algebra's awesome!

   She told me to make my own sandwich. I told her to make her own money.

   I don't always eat what is right. Sometimes I eat what is left.

   Don't be judgmental. We're all screwed up.

   teacher: are you sleeping in my class? student: no, uh, a bug flew in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate it. :D

   a good night is when you hug Ur teddy ;a horror night I when the teddy hugs you back

   The day I can't help a freiend is the day I have something better to do

   This new season of 24 sucks...Jack Bauer hasn't had to kill anyone yet

   People that say the last word in this sentence is my bugaboo.

   When going out for sea food, I always order shark steak. Not because I like it.. but to show THEM who is really on top of the food chain.

   I own 11,000 air guitars and I know a guy in Russia that owns 5 more then me,,,