Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Reminder - Valentine's Day is only a coupe weeks away, it's not too late to break up.....

   Lead singers, don't hold the mic out and ask us to sing the chorus. We paid money to watch you do that.

   Every person who ever asked if they were bothering me was bothering me

   Women are like canoes. Actually they're really more like kayaks. Which one has the pointy things? OK; I don't understand canoes/women.

   Just saw a redhead drinking Ginger Ale. It looks to be making him stronger. We must stop him before it's too late.

   So say some animals *were* injured in the making of a film. Is that listed in the credits or what? "Bob hurt one bird. He's very sorry."

   there a Hallmark card for "I think it's time we try anal"? There should be.

   Whenever I drink whiskey, I turn into Kermit the Frog. I start talking funny, I turn green, and then I end up messing with a fat pig

   "Hope you're well" has the same amount of syllables as "rot in hell" and is a much more honest way to sign that email to your ex.

   Sometimes when a person suddenly has a problem with you, just think the issue isn't really you, it's their meds.

   Part of me thought I wouldn't be using a sock as an oven mitt at this point in my life. Another part is like "Big boy is using the stove!"

   Girls don't fart. That sound you hear is actually baby unicorns being released into the world to sprinkle sugar on cookies

   When I get a chick's facebook birthday notification and it's some name I don't know, I'll look to see if she's hot. If she's not...no shout out. I hate myself.

   The guy next door is a sleeptalker. The girl in the other room is too quiet. We're all being monitored by people in white uniforms...

   What's the difference between a woman and a mermaid? Nothing, they're both lady on top and fishy down there!

   Being a nobody and getting your head pumped up by a bunch of other nobodys does NOT make you a somebody. 0 + 0 is still 0...Just FYI...

   I don't wanna speak to soon, but the new iPhone is way better at taking pictures of my wiener in the dark than the old one.

   Every person who ever asked if they were bothering me was bothering me.

   To save time, I like to show up to my doctor's appointment already wearing a paper gown.

   "Dad! There's a monster under my bed!" "That's silly. There's no mOH MY GOD! IT'S TEARING MY ARM OFF! Just kidding. It only eats kids. Goodnight..."