Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please do not start naming your future newborn "blue Ivy", yellow mustard, dark orchid, pastel white, purple rain, orange caramel or anything that don't make sense; we already hav ppl named after cars(Mercedes, Infinite, Camry, Alexis).

   I look around when talking to someone because lets face it direct eye contact is weird sometimes!

   I hear some are saying beyonce was never pregnant that someone else was carrying the baby.. I bets its Destinys child...

   Is it just me or do those red foil wrapped Hershey's kisses taste almost identical to the silver foil Hershey's kisses? I'll keep testing.

   Taco Bell put Fritos in a burrito. See, you can eat healthy at a fast food place.

   WOMAM: OMG! Baby I'm pregnant!! What would you want it to be?? MAN: a god damn joke!

   A true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, the most dangerous plaything.

   Don't worry; it's only kinky the first time.

   Silence is the best answer to a stupid question.

   My wife and my girlfriend both said on their status that they are going to go live in Brazil for a few months. Is there something I should know about???????

   My wife just said shes going to live in Estonia for 15 months! PARTY AT MY PLACE!!!

   Hey Clay Aiken, Rocky Dennis called. He wants his face back.

   You're not an alcoholic; you're a soberphobic.

   I bet Adele sweats gravy.

   90% Of men have no taste or standards they just wanna get laid.

   Now wait a minute, y'all This status ain't for everybody?"Only the sexy people. So all you fly mothers, get on out there and “Like” “Like”, I said!"

   Just once I would like to see some creativity and have a meeting done with interpretive dance instead of powerpoint

   What can I say ... I'm The Guy that Adele is singing about !

   Its a dog, not an accessory! Get that poor thing outta your purse lady!!

   "Meet local singles here." No thanks randomly placed ad. I know local singles and there is a reason they are in fact single!