Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a girl is standing and shouting through the sunroof of a limo, that limo has turned on its slut siren.

   Can someone please explain why I have to pay full price for Swiss Cheese

   The greatest thing about living near a prison is, my Sunday afternoon sprints down the highway in an orange jumpsuit...

   OMG! I just saw an albino Polar Bear...

   The people doing it in pornos are in love, right?

   Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph.

   Bieber fever begins with a rash on your gentials that quickly spreads to the brain.

   I took a taste from the bag of white powder I found in my son's backpack and my worst fears were realized. Gymnastic chalk.

   If someone from New Jersey bites you, are you from New Jersey?

   Gotta hand it to midgets sometimes. You know, cause they can't reach and all.

   Think about how much women could accomplish if they didn't spend half the day taking pictures of themselves in bathroom mirrors.

   Parents, you can help end childhood obesity by teaching your kids how to smoke cigarettes.

   When sh!t hits the fan, you have to make the decision to stop chilling with people who throw their own feces at ceiling fans. Seriously guys

   Tracy Morgan collapsed at Sundance and is blaming the altitude. I agree. He was way too high.

   Just choked down three bites of a gas station hot dog and now I have 7 kinds of ass cancer.

   First words I said upon waking up today were " DAVID DOESN'T CARE !!!!! " See I was woken up once again by the smut upstairs arguing and scremaing over the phone with her boyfriend David

   So Valentine's Day is about 3 wks away....While everyone else gets flowers and candy...I'll be like Charlie Brown during Halloween...."All I got is a rock"

   I enjoy long hugs and slow kisses.

   Shoutout to blondes who put on lip gloss before they brush their teeth.

   If your breath isn't flammable, you're not an alcoholic.