Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know New Year's Eve is long past, but I still like to kiss strangers at the stroke of midnight each night. The key is to not wake them.

   The future was so much cooler in the past.

   why is it when you go to a restaurant their radio is never playing the song "ding, fries are done" from family guy?...seems like a catchy tune for a restaurant

   I have a theory that the world will end in 5105, and we've been reading the Mayan calendar upside down

   If the world doesn't end on Dec 21 2012....I have a feeling that there will be alot of babies born on Sept 20th 2013!!

   The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

   The last time I saw a Tiger get beat that bad it was by a blonde swinging a golf club!

   My new favorite way to flip people off is to put my middle finger to my forehead and say, "Look, I'm a Unicorn!" Yup. I'm that mature.

   i just shot gunned a 22 ounce beer and followed it up with pedialyte... now my stomach hurts

   mad as hell my toaster oven burned my toast again....I must be Black-toast intolerant.

   A wise man once said "_____". Fill in the blanks when you find a wise man.

   To the guy that just passed me with a "General Lee" car on his trailer, I HATE YOU!

   Seventh Day Adventists...What you're telling me is the very next day after God rested...he came up with the Gregorian calendar?

   I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

   Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio.

   Just farted in CVS. I basically can't be tamed.

   Guys, don't put a smiley face in your texts to other guys. It's like wiping standing up. You learned it wrong.

   Just did that thing where you dump an entire pot of spaghetti on your head and start crying.

   My daddy didn't come to my play in 2nd grade so now I do MMA.

   Thanks, Phillips Colon Health Lady, for proving there's no need for a healthy diet if we can just eat crap & take a pill.