Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when random people calls me up and asks, "Did I call the right #?" ........"No buddy, you called the Left one!"

   For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.

   Drinking wine alone is not lonely, it's romantic. Damn self, you got nice eyes ;)

   I should be ashamed of myself but I'm not ! Ok !

   H.O.E.S. Happily Offering Everyone Sex.

   We are living in a age where losing our mobile phone is more hurtful than the break up!

   What do you get when you set Fire to The Rain ... STEAM ! Lots and Lots of Steam !

   Almost all serial killers are men. That's because women like to kill one man slowly over many, many years.

   10: I whip my hair back & forth. 16: I pass my blunt back & forth. 30: I drive my kids back & forth. 80: I rock my chair back & forth.

   They say heavy Cell phone use causes brain cancer. Fellas this is a great excuse when she ask why you ain't pick up

   While other countries are doubling down on education, we're using chicken breasts as sandwich bread.

   'MAY' contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn't. DON'T WASTE MY TIME

   I avoid eye contact with myself in the mirror. I know too much about me.

   If they changed the title of that movie from "The Artist" to "The Fartist" the odds of me paying to see it would increase dramatically.

   I'm supposed to use beer to wash out the remnants of glue from my brain electrodes. Does it matter what kind of beer?

   Dear Chicken I don't get why you r so popular 4 crossing the road ... Yours Sincerely The cow that jumped over the Möön

   Blow Jobs are better than No Jobs - Bill Clinton

   So say some animals *were* injured in the making of a film. Is that listed in the credits or what? "Bob hurt one bird. He's very sorry"

   So glad I'm a guy. Haven't fought with a friend since 1985.

   says the scariest thing in the world is to know what a cat is thinking when it stares at you