Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

   They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

   I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

   “No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk. So y

   Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

   I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

   I wish they'd open bowling alleys back up. We trailer trash need something to do too, you know.

   I recently took a pole and found out that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.

   So,...about these murder hornets, do you send them a list of names or what? How exactly does it work?

   If you don't think this quarantine has changed people, I just want to point out that Jake from State Farm is no longer white

   Every woman likes to be swept off her feet. It's when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out.

   Education is important, but opening the pubs is importanter.

   20 years ago no one knew what gluten was. Now there are like three people left in the world who can eat a bagel

   If I get one more poke, I'm going to need some plumber's putty.

   If you don't think this quarantine has changed people, I just want to point out that it turned Jake from State Farm black...

   * He has put his foot in his mouth so often, that his foot bone spurs has transferred to his brain and that is why he can not act rationally.

   Wonder if the cure to the Coronavirus can be found in the Tupperware container in the back of my refrigerator?

   At the store today, there was an X for me to stand on...heck no....I've seen way too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that crap.

   After spending weeks in the house with my family during the quarantine, I now see Jack Nicholson's side of things in the Shining.

   Pro Tip: If you wear a face mask your coworkers can't smell the alcohol on your breath.