Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To help curve the Coronavirus I've only hung out with three of my Facebook friends all year, just like last year.

   Fauci spent 50 years of his life studying viruses, just so he could trick rednecks into wearing paper masks. That was his career goal all along. Don't believe anything else.

   If I don't get my way, I'm going in with my lawyers...wahhhhhh!!!! I'm such a great role model.

   Those who want the minimum wage set to $15 an hour; calling it a living wage are clueless. How about a living education? If you're 30 and making fries for a living, don't expect me to subsidize your poor life choices.

   Anybody else feel that their calculator history is more embarrassing then their browsing history?

   Fill in a gap in your résumé with “Haunting a lighthouse.” They can’t check.

   72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

   opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

   My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

   A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

   Does everyone have that neighbour who fixes his car every weekend, even though nothing is wrong with it? That’s twitter in human form.

   Date: I’m sorry, I can’t see you anymore Waldo: Oh sorry that always happens when I stand next to a barber pole

   In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

   The vaccine shot was promised to be ready today. Where can I go to get the shot?

   The election is rigged...unless I win

   What a great Halloween. Thanks for giving us the night off Covid!

   Due to all that's happened so far this year, I have no choice but to deduct 2 stars from my original TripAdvisor review of Earth

   With the pandemic just curious if anyone’s house got toilet papered or sprayed with Lysol last night.

   Have to say this is the first time just about everyone's wearing a mask on Halloween.

   What's the difference if someone with mental illness come at you with a knife vs someone without mental illness comes at you with a knife?