Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

   Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

   Executioner: Any last words Me: No, I’m – My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

   If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.

   I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

   I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

   I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

   Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

   I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

   Autocorrect can be your best fiend or your worst enema.

   I was on the phone earlier with a friend in upstate New York. We touched on the weather. She said, "It's wet, gloomy and mostly in the 40's. I said that sounds like my sƐx life.

   Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

   Four years has past and we's not alls rich yet. What in the moonshine happened?

   Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

   My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

   I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

   Thanksgiving is coming...time to set the weigh scale ahead 8 lbs.

   I wonder if Prius owners put playing cards between the spokes of their wheels so they will sound like real cars.

   I’m going to the corn maze today to see if I can find the kid I lost in there last October.

   As a man, never watch your woman struggle to pay bills ... dump her and find one that has some money.