Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shouldn't a "landing strip" actually be NO hair in the middle with hair to the sides?

   I don't mind if you wear the pants in our relationship, because if I'm doing it right, you won't have them on for long...

   Someone puked on my sister's front steps last night. Signs pointing to me. Looking for clues.

   "Um...I'm getting paid overtime for this, right?" --my liver

   Maybe my microwave is leaking radiation, but I could swear Orville Redenbacher just asked me if I can keep a secret from my mommy and daddy.

   1-2 Freddy's coming for you... opps wrong movie! Happy Friday the 13th filled with horny teenagers and not machete wielding maniacs!!! ;)

   Okay Jennifer Hudson we are happy for you that you lost all that extra weight, now can you drop this wanna-be-model business and go back into the studio and make us some music?

   1st grader: I need something to drink. College graduate: I N33|) 50m37h1nG t0 dr1nKz

   This Friday the 13th instead of Jason popping out of nowhere to kill us, Jennifer Hudson will sing about how much weight shes lost until we commit suicide.

   I like how woman pretend they don't know they have a huge camel toe. You know you want us to stare at it.

   "What did he say?" "Who is she?" "What just happened?" (Repeat 30 times and you just watched a movie with my mom)

   If you even suspect someone has been stung by a jellyfish -don't ask- just pee on them. You might save a life.

   Our new dog is going to be the *best* watchdog if a vacuum cleaner ever breaks into the house.

   thought about being a gynecologist...i hear there's plenty of openings

   Go french kiss a power outlet.

   karma (noun) –when you use all the toilet paper without replacing it and you're the next person to use the restroom.

   Has anyone told you how fuckalicious you look today?

   Whenever I get angry, I calm myself down by repeating these 5 words over and over again, “Bartender, Give Me A Double”

   Even with all your flaws the right person is still going to think that the sun shines out of your ass.

   Auto correct can go straight to He'll.