Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Resistance is Not Futile...it's Voltage divided by Current

   This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FriSatSun.

   "I clearly remember the first time I met Dhritarashtra. It was a blind date. - Gandhari.

   Never Laugh at your wife's Choice.....You are one of them

   When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think

   you know....everything I needed to know about life, I learned in kindergarten....if you poop your pants....they let you go home....

   If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway

   I think my middle fingers have had too much caffeine… they have been up all Morning

   I am just one step away from being very rich. All I need now is a lot of Money!

   Dear Modern Warfare 3, Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity. Sincerely, Parents Everywhere

   Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

   Mr. Kotter, Please excuse Juan from class today because he is dead. Signed: Epstein's Mom. R.I.P. Robert Hedges.

   I'm watching this dude walk down the street dressed as a woman, pushing a pitbull in a baby stroller. Either he's on drugs or I am.

   Taco Bell is human Drano

   I bet girls on facebook with the duck faces look for men that make a lot of bread.

   I wonder if Ronald McDonald sadistically cackles as he bludgeons innocent chickens and uses clown magic to turn them into nuggets.

   I have a suspicious package.

   If You need me, I'll call You.

   Yo momma is so buff, I let her dry my car off.And may I add; her work ethic is impeccable!

   I see ole' Beverly Perdue is packing her Government bags and headed back to her husband Frank's Chicken farm! "Pluck them feathers woman!" heehee