Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How to get laid: Lay on bed. Wait 1 hour. Lay becomes past tense.

   Taking "naps" sounds so childish... I prefer to call them 'horizontal life pauses'

   Boy: "Are those space pants? Cause your a** is outta this world" Girl: "No, they are softball pants, & this a** is outta your league

   Cop: Why were you speeding? Me: Um I was going to the store for oreos. Cop: Double stuffed? Me: you know it. Cop: have a nice day..

   I respect the person who let girls into the army. Girl on period + gun = unstoppable

   Dear Mom & Dad, when you said- "Let`s go", I assumed you were ready to go also. Sincerely, Been waiting in the car for 20 minutes

   Called my teacher "mom" today....my teacher is a guy.

   tis the season to be horny

   Feel bad for blind people. I mean, seriously, how do you know when to stop wiping?

   I had phone sex last night. Had to get the morning after bill.

   best friend....someone who walks in with a flashlight when life is the darkest....

   "wat r you dewin 2morrow wen you git out uf wurk" people who write like that are stupid and lazy

   What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spit, swallow, and gargle.

   Instead of “lol” I put “lsimhbiwfefmtalol” Laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud.

   *Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let's get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”

   If I still reply to your one word text messages you're special.

   Due to the economy......The 5 second rule has been upgraded to the 10 second rule. We just can't afford to be throwing away food....

   Thank you Charlotte for bringing all the farm animals together by being the first ever Social Network "Web" Designer.

   If you aren't happy being single, you'll never be happy in a relationship. Get your own life first, then share it.

   A cooking show said you can batter food in left-over beer. What is left-over beer