Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When someone says: "We can still be friends" what they really mean is: "I'm not interested. Here's a consolation prize for all those wasted years."

   Dear ladies: If you're tired of guys staring at your boobs, just turn around. We like asses too.

   When did it become acceptable to slap another man's ass during football?? And why, oh why, is there no evidence of his reaction??

   over Super Models, New Niche, Lingerie models

   SCARIEST THING EVER: Flushing a toilet & seeing the water coming up instead of going down

   whoever said money doesn't grow on trees obviously has never sold weed

   Anorexia is nothing to laugh about its extremely tasteless and most people don't have the stomach for it.

   Condoms Prevent Minivans!!

   Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from a picture that makes her look ugly..:D

   I asked my Heart why can't I sleep at night? IT replied: Cos you already slept your arse off at work. . Don't act like you're in Love jackasss. . :|

   How to get laid: Lay on bed. Wait 1 hour. Lay becomes past tense.

   Taking "naps" sounds so childish... I prefer to call them 'horizontal life pauses'

   Boy: "Are those space pants? Cause your a** is outta this world" Girl: "No, they are softball pants, & this a** is outta your league

   Cop: Why were you speeding? Me: Um I was going to the store for oreos. Cop: Double stuffed? Me: you know it. Cop: have a nice day..

   I respect the person who let girls into the army. Girl on period + gun = unstoppable

   Dear Mom & Dad, when you said- "Let`s go", I assumed you were ready to go also. Sincerely, Been waiting in the car for 20 minutes

   Called my teacher "mom" today....my teacher is a guy.

   tis the season to be horny

   Feel bad for blind people. I mean, seriously, how do you know when to stop wiping?

   I had phone sex last night. Had to get the morning after bill.