Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when I'm eating cereal and the last 5 pieces are like "Try n' catch me bro!"

   Any man that believes women are "the weaker sex" has never tried to reclaim his half of the blankets on a cold winter's night.

   Heat Fans on Fire....... "Sorry, what you said honey? You screwing my neighbor....oh ok, I'll talk to you after the game!"

   My buddy who is obsessed with lesbians said, "You can't beat two lesbians doing scissors." I said, "You can if you've rock."

   I just got done cleaning out my pond for the winter and I found pebbles stuck in the filter. Fred and Wilma are going to be devistated. :(

   Obama to visit Disney World on Thursday. I guess they are planning on expanding and hiring more people or he just wants another vacation

   I can have hundreds and hundreds of friends on facebook, but that won't stop me from saying "WTF!?" when that number goes down by one...

   I love it when people see me reach for something on the floor and keep missing it like a moron. I quickly tell them I'm working on my aerobics exercises....

   Apparently "Because I'm smoking hot" is not the CORRECT answer to "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

   Even when it's not the best of days, you can always tell yourself, hey, at least I'm not the guy who sank a $570 million ship.

   ..... He floats like a burrerfly and stings like a bee ..... I wish a Happy 70th ... to Muhammad Ali

   I just save a ton of money on my 2013 car insurance by converting to Mayan

   When someone says they're not on Facebook, I look at them like an efn 8-track tape :)

   A woman bragging to a man about her college degree is like a man bragging about slam dunking on a woman.

   My mate just texted me saying, "I wanna read a book. what wud you recommend?" "The Oxford English Dictionary" I replied.

   I'm sorry, but any man who says his Wedding Day is the happiest day of his life has obviously never scored an over-head kick on FIFA 12.

   People sometimes say that 'motivation doesn't last', But neither does Bathing... That's why we recommend it daily.

   in A & E after swallowing Lego. They don't seen worried but I'm sh1tting bricks 

   Float like a butterfly and sting like a bee....today is my birthday and I am 70!!

   Obama to visit Disney World on Thursday. I was there last week and a Cast Member told me villains didn't make appearances much anymore!