Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tried the new fire and ice condoms last night...must have put it on inside out cause when it was over she rolled over and started snoring and I wanted to talk.

   watch for ME during the halftime show at the Super Bowl. I'll be the one holding Madona's colostomy bag.

   been drinking since, wait... WHO STOLD MY WATCH???

   Keep the dream alive......... Hit the snooze button.

   I would love to insult you, but I'm afraid I won't do as good as nature did.

   People who don't like bacon can never be trusted.

   ... and never will watch the video of the kid in the pool on Facebook's home page.

   ♫ ♪ ♫♫ He ain't Peyton. ♪ ♫ ♫ He's his Brother ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

   What I hate most about Twitter: finishing a good tweet, having -1 characters left, and then having to decide which grammar crime to commi

   I have Super-glue and a non-stick pan.....lets see who wins.

   Madonna said that there will be no wardrobe malfunctions at this years Super Bowl half time show...ummmm good.

   going to be eating chili from my supper bowl, during the super bowl.

   Three blondes walk into a bar.....you'd think one of them would have seen it.

   I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway.

   It bothers me that Jared from Subway has not yet been eaten by a grizzly bear.

   Just let me be a Hot Mess for One Hot Minute 'til I can find a new Hot Played-Out Idiom.

   If you never faked being the victim of a shark attack in the pool, then you didn't have a childhood.

   be careful when threat textin, jus told someone who owed me money I was gonna eat their ass if I didnt get it back

   You're so smart, you're probably turning the square in TETRIS

   If ever you get sad, think of a T-Rex trying to masturbate