Funny Status Messages

   I remember back in the day I used to kill myself getting to a ringing telephone... Now I don't even get up because the caller ID is on my TV...

   FB lesson number #1. If you don't want people to in your business, stop posting it on your status.

   Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . .  have fun

   found out the reason for our mild Winter....Someone removed the duct tape from Al Gores "pie hole!"

   To those who have made Facebook their diary . . . Please slap yourself for me.

   Everyone wants to say this is gangster and that's gangster but nobody has the ballz to actually be a gangster and put in some work! I am one of those people!

   Oh, I can take a hint. I just choose not to.

   PSA: Red Bull does NOT give you actual wings. It gives you the false sense of wings. I learned this the hard way today. Luckily the frozen ground broke my fall.

   I think your first love holds the biggest piece of your heart because they made the first cut.

   ~~ S.I.N.G.L.E = (S)tress (I)s (N)ow (G)one, (L)oser (E)radicated. 

   I remember as a teenager I used to kill myself getting to a ringing telephone... Now I don't even have the ringer on.

   We have several extra kids in our house that are invisible -  their names are ~ "It wasn't me,"  "I don't know," and "Why me"

   MIA No name, talent-less, trashy, low life, that can't sing will make millions by giving everyone the bird. What a low class piece of trash.

   Today, I saw a couple of beetles doing it. Jealous, I quickly crushed them with my boot while screaming, "IF I CAN'T DO IT, NOBODY WILL!"

   I'm surprised by the violence in Syria. I really thought the World Peace sign at the end of Madonna's halftime show would work.

   Today I am bewitched, bothered, and bewildered. Also not wearing pants.

   Idea: A Roomba type of device that putters around the house and then shoots a deadly laser at anyone who says "bro" a lot.

   The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I'm home alone and my power goes out.

   I may look calm but in my head I've killed you 3 times

   Girls, don't waste money tattooing your legs. They eventually become available for free. They're called varicose veins.