Fazzella Funny Status Messages

   Met a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

   You have to figure that Shaquille O'Neal never signs greeting cards "Love, Shaq" because that band the B-52's came out with that song and pretty much ruined it for him.

   When asked my weight, I give what it is on the Moon.

   I now hold it in my hands. Finally. The expressed written consent of the National Football League.

   I saw a science show on how we're merely energy sources who come back as other energies in subsequent lives. I can see it now, I'll be a 9 volt battery in a transistor radio from the 60's tuned to an Elvis only station.

   The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia.

   Okay so plus size is in. That lets me out. I'm calculus size.

   I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

   Psychologists and Psychiatrists need their heads examined.

   I've finally come to grips with the fact I'm old. My family held an outdoor birthday party for me, and when they lit the candles, the Girl Scouts appeared out of nowhere, circled the cake, and began to sing Kum Ba Yah.

   My neighbor, Jen, gave me a vitamin. Turns out it was a vitamin for women. I've been getting dressed for the past 2 hours and still can't find the right pair of shoes to match my pants.

   Social Media: Proving Darwin was right, but in reverse.

   The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, whilst the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.

   People are so paranoid nowadays. They refuse to answer Knock-Knock jokes until I show some I.D.

   I renewed my driver’s license today and was asked if I wanted to be an organ donor. I declined but did offer to give them my old harmonica.

   I don't understand why people have to say hurtful things. Like "let's go to the gym" or " try this kale"

   Memorial Day Tip: This year, throw veggie burgers on the grill and next year, someone else will host the cookout.

   I hate when I'm on a first date and she goes, "I just know we'll be together forever." Then uses Crazy Glue instead of lube.

   I hate when I'm on a date and she's driving and I tell her I have to use the men's room and could she stop at a gas station she says, "You should've gone at home. Too bad. Hold it in."

   May every one of your life's ups and downs...occur in bed.