Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With all these Cops on the road, sometimes I pull myself over, just to avoid a cop from reading my tags.

   Trump hugs Mitt Romney and tells him "You had me at "I don't care about poor people'."

   Awesome, if you tune in to the NFL Network right now they're showing how Madonna gets hoisted from her formaldehyde jar.

   Don't worry divorced ladies, the zombies wont eat you because you are too fu*king bitter

   How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue toast to the celing.

   The feeling you get when youre driving & you see a cop. And youre not drunk or high, but you think 'god I hope he doesnt notice I'm driving'

   Wanna know how I can tell you grew up in the 90's? Because you wont shut the hell up about growing up in the 90's.

   All of a sudden I love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.

   So I brought like 19 goldfish to a 'Cash for Gold' store and they wouldn't even pay me a dollar. Not even a dollar! THIS IS BULLSHIIT!!!

   If you want to feel special, I have no problem handing you a helmet and a box of crayons.

   The last time I had surgery the Red Cross had to team up with Grey Goose to match my blood type.

   There comes a time in the day when no matter what the question the answer is booze.

   Why is it when I'm on my lunch break my wall is hella quiet. Then from 12:30 to 3:30 all sorts of drama happens...jerks, I wanna be in the loop!

   Fake people wish you the best... as long as it benefits them. I call em' PENNIES... twofaced and worthless

   i can show my love to her everyday <3 valentines day is just another day :-)

   MONEY: can buy a house, but not a HOME. can buy a clock, but not TIME. can buy sex, but not LOVE. So pass me all ur $ n let me suffer 4 U

   Newly divorced woman explaining reason for splitting: We had religious differences - he thought he was God, I didn't.

   You can wake someone who is sleeping but you can't wake up someone pretending to sleep.

   StubHub should really be a place where single amputees meet.

   I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.