Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Valentines advance: If she went to the party, watched the entire Super Bowl and has a good time with you, then washed the dishes, cleaned up home, did laundry, washed your car and cooked the dinner… then she is definitely a Valentine material!

   You want to punch little, spoiled brats in the face when they just yell at their parents because they want this or that.

   Thanks for reminding me to "have a safe trip". I was going to roll down a cliff and let the river float me to my destination.

   No woman will ever be truely satisfied on valentines day, because no man will ever have a chocolate peni$ that ejacul@tes money.

   Anyone else have the same thought that I did the first time they discovered ma$turbation? "Damn. I don't think I'll EVER leave the house again."

   Monotony is my favorite bored game.

   If you're upset about seeing a middle finger on TV, you're going to sh!t yourself when you see everything else going on in the world.

   I'm getting really sick of people not referring to my work as "unparalleled."

   Accidentally picked out soothing paint colors and now my panic room is ruined.

   America leads the world in reality shows about what female reality show stars do after their reality shows end.

   I dont tell god how big my problems are, I tell my problems how big my god is

   Trust is like an eraser. It gets smaller and smaller after every mistake.

   A relationship without trust is like a phone without service. All you do is play games...

   Making a million friends is not a miracle. The miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you when millions are against you.

   The difference between a smart man and a wise man is that a smart man knows what to say, a wise man knows whether or not to say it...

   Never reject anybody in your life, because good people give us happiness and bad people give us experience. Both are essential in life!

   A lot of problems would disappear if people talked to each other more than talking about each other.

   I like E.L.O. Cause if you say it fast enough you sound like a fun dad answering the phone

   when it Snows everyone gives a bit of advice ... 'Don't eat yellow Snow' .... I would further advise to avoid eating BROWN SNOW.

   did you know....that if you set fire to LMFAO....they'll become ROTFLMAO?