Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Speaking of 5 Guys...You want a burger with those fries?

   My gf says she's got crabs ..so I went out and bought her a pair of fish net stockings

   I'll probably be a pretty successful ghost someday since I already refuse to leave the house.

   GAGA: So famous, even babies know her name .

   Anything worth doing at all, is worth doing right.

   1. Open fridge. Nothing to eat. 2. Open pantry. Nothing to eat. 3. Lower standards and repeat

   A girl just flirted with me at a coffee shop. Told her to call me when she's 18 (pounds heavier; I like 'em thick)

   False praise helps no one. That's why I tell children exactly how terrible their drawings are. It's called Managing Expectations.

   Gonna hit the showers. You can do whatever you want with that information.

   I don't got much to do today, I suppose I should do something productive. I'll probably go on ahead and pre-cook this 13lbs of bacon in my fridge. You know... In case of emergency

   My girlfriend has been looking for a tampon that fits her properly for years. She's finally given up and thrown in the towel

   An Itailan officer doing a u-turn and running !!!......who would have thought ?!!!

   My neighbor is sleeping off his hangover on my front lawn again. I think he needs another drink.

   Going where the cool people are... Outside!!

   Fact: the domestic Cat remains the only species that's trained humans to clean up poop in exchange for conditional love.

   Why isn't "talk like Samuel L. Jackson day" a thing yet?

   Sign my online petition to stop online petitions.

   I can just imagine a conversation between Mike Jones and an owl...

   Some of you women need to stop using shovels to apply makeup.

   3am text message "Hey are you asleep?" No I'm scuba diving, what the hell do you want?