Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   RING... RING!!! (My Boss) "Hello?" (Me) "hmph gorg jawb forb berk." (My Boss) "Okay, see ya on Tuesday."

   Never trust a pretty face on a dating site

   only bowl tom brady should be playing in is the turd bowl

   Pretty excited that the Patriots and the Giants are opening for Madonna at the Superbowl

   Due to the fear of a nip slip during the Madonna halftime show, NBC will only be filming her from the waist up. 

   I'm having doubts about that dehydrated water I bought for my plastic plants.

   Redneck word of the day, Obama……I bought me a case of beer but I drank it Obama self.

   I got sacked as a bingo caller tonight. Apparently "a meal for two with a terrible view" wasn't the best way to announce the number 69....

   what do you call a man with no arms or legs laying by the front door? matt.

   you know what they say about black jokes... if you have heard one then you heard jemal

   I once smelled mothballs. I couldn't believe how hard it was spreading his tiny legs.

   Tried the new fire and ice condoms last night...must have put it on inside out cause when it was over she rolled over and started snoring and I wanted to talk.

   watch for ME during the halftime show at the Super Bowl. I'll be the one holding Madona's colostomy bag.

   been drinking since, wait... WHO STOLD MY WATCH???

   Keep the dream alive......... Hit the snooze button.

   I would love to insult you, but I'm afraid I won't do as good as nature did.

   People who don't like bacon can never be trusted.

   ... and never will watch the video of the kid in the pool on Facebook's home page.

   ♫ ♪ ♫♫ He ain't Peyton. ♪ ♫ ♫ He's his Brother ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

   What I hate most about Twitter: finishing a good tweet, having -1 characters left, and then having to decide which grammar crime to commi