Funny Status Messages

   I’m going to the corn maze today to see if I can find the kid I lost in there last October.

   As a man, never watch your woman struggle to pay bills ... dump her and find one that has some money.

   "I look ridiculous!" --First wolf in sheep's clothing

   Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

   me: [being mauled to death by a werewolf] lol he probably smells my dog

   Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

   My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

   Do they make a Gas-X for brain farts? Asking for a friend.

   Now who is holding up the stimulus checks. yep you guessed wicked witch of the East Capitol.

   As I recall, A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

   Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

   I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

   Looking for a date, he must -be an alpha male -not shave -howl at the moon -not eat all the dog biscuits at once -ok I’ve been single for too long

   Why do we call them “stoners” and not “your highness”

   I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

   I want Pizza not your opinion

   “That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please” -Veterinarians

   A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks ago and it still hurts. I can’t believe it’s not better.

   I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card. Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

   Columbus Day is one thing, but I'm still upset about my personal holiday. No, not my Birthday. I'm talking about Fat Tuesday. 😛