Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome to Facebook, the official home of VANITY.

   SWAG=Secret Way Of Acting Gay.

   Tweeted ten different puns hoping atleast one would get a Retweet. Alas, no pun in ten did

   Face down A55 up, thats the way I select donuts at Dunkin Donuts

   I was cleaning up a bit last night and I thought my cat somehow got into the washing machine during the spin cycle! Then I realized it was just Steven Tyler yelling at somebody on TV. Whew!

   Only people in long distance or stalking relationships should be allowed to use the "IT'S COMPLICATED" option on their relationship status.

   To the Indian Cricket Team- Guys, please remember it's the FOURTH test tomorrow & not a FOUR-day test!

   Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an "s" in it?

   i wish my grades smoked weed, so they would get higher

   If you watch 127 hours in rewind it is actually a really nice film about a disabled man finding an arm in the desert.

   Banking institutions are more dangerous than standing armies.

   "Who's your wife?(:" "That b!tch over there....."

   People who have an option to sleep but are still jogging at 6 in the morning in this cold. *slow clap*

   That f^cked up moment when your Ex girlfriend tags you in a photo of her licking her new boyfriend's abs.

   Joe Paterno Dies In Hospital; Doctors Promise To Tell Their Superiors First Thing Tomorrow

   ESPN just reported that their kicker just tried to hang himself, luckly he could not even kick the chair out from under himself.

   I got a dig bick. You this read wrong. You that read wrong too. And too that.

   Watching American Idol and I was really hoping that first girl could sing.

   ESPN is reporting that San Francisco 49ers rookie Kyle Williams just tried to kill himself in the locker room. Luckily, he dropped the gun on the floor and it was recovered by the Giants...

   I took a Russian model shopping. Got her lots of stuff. She called home and I overheard her say in Russian, "Mama, he eece a verry rich man!" Good thing she couldn't read the sign that said 'Dollar General'.