Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you know....it's been almost two months since Christmas.....I should probably stop ceaselessly referring to my p*nis as the "Pole-her Express"....

   If someone throws Skittles at you and yells "taste the rainbow" run them over with your car and yell "Nationwide is on your side!"

   you know....it seems Assholism runs in my family....

   Making a new facebook will not get you more messages.

   If you were never stuck in the corner for doing something bad when you were younger then you never had a childhood

   I will die one day at a Del Taco, shot dead by a SWAT team after taking several hostages over what I feel is the meaning of extra cheese.

   My life could benefit from a little more Stranger Danger and a little less Acquaintance Maintenance.

   Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn't counting calories.

   I was flipping through the Victoria's Secret catalogue and now I have a craving for ribs.

   I feel I'm at my most culturally sensitive when I call Dell tech support and don't scream, "What the **** are you saying?"

   With subpar graphics and no discernable plot, TurboTax is, hands down, the worst video game I have ever played.

   You must hate it when people make assumptions about you.

   I'M SURE GLAD NONE OF US HAVE ISSUES WE'RE TRYING TO MASK WITH SARCASM!!

   My wax museum is going to start small by focusing on famous people who look like candles.

   FIELD REPORT: "You gonna let me sniff that whisker biscuit or what?" is an extraordinarily unsuccessful pickup line.

   If you message me to the point where I have to scroll to read it all, well, you need to hire a text editor.

   Just drank a Red Stripe, smoked a spliff, listened to dub reggae and watched The Harder They Come, yet I'm still TERRIBLE at bobsledding!

   There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.

   Poor handicapped guy on the train forgot to put the breaks on his wheel chair. It was like watching the Pinball Wizard.

   The new eye scan to unlock your iPhone to be released later this week. *Not available in China