Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bros over Hoes! ...Unless she's not a hoe.

   Americans will spend $17.6 BILLION on Valentine's Day. On average men spend $169. Women spend $86.

   Valentine's Day is for people who lack the imagination to be romantic during the rest of the year.

   Fellas: Make it a Valentine's Day she'll always remember by simply forgetting it.

   "I have four dates for Valentine's day!" "Oh really? Who?!" "My computer, my bed, food, and my dog.."

   Want to save money this Valentine's day? Better get started on ending the relationship you're in.

   My homosexual dyslexic mate cant wait for February the 14th..........He thinks its Vaseline Day!!!!

   thinking about how I'm going to pop the question and I think I'm going to do it in a simple manner and ask with a straight face "So hunny...what's for dinner?"

   With all these laws cracking down on texting while driving, I think it's a little bit ironic that every police car I see has a open laptop attached to the dashboard. You telling me that's not a distraction? 

   How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

   Valentines advance: If she went to the party, watched the entire Super Bowl and has a good time with you, then washed the dishes, cleaned up home, did laundry, washed your car and cooked the dinner… then she is definitely a Valentine material!

   You want to punch little, spoiled brats in the face when they just yell at their parents because they want this or that.

   Thanks for reminding me to "have a safe trip". I was going to roll down a cliff and let the river float me to my destination.

   No woman will ever be truely satisfied on valentines day, because no man will ever have a chocolate peni$ that ejacul@tes money.

   Anyone else have the same thought that I did the first time they discovered ma$turbation? "Damn. I don't think I'll EVER leave the house again."

   Monotony is my favorite bored game.

   If you're upset about seeing a middle finger on TV, you're going to sh!t yourself when you see everything else going on in the world.

   I'm getting really sick of people not referring to my work as "unparalleled."

   Accidentally picked out soothing paint colors and now my panic room is ruined.

   America leads the world in reality shows about what female reality show stars do after their reality shows end.