Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To make sure your neighbor knows it was their car alarm that went off, it can be helpful to put a cinderblock through their windshield.

   Does anyone else think that when Tolkien wrote "Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards for they are subtle and quick to anger" he just substituted "Wizard" for "Women"?

   Valentines Day is next week! Or Tuesday, as I refer to it.

   I wouldn't say I'm an alcoholic. I'd slur it.

   Even this straight jacket can't stop me from updating my status.

   swears that my pillow must be a hair stylist because I wake up every morning with the weirdest hair dos

   tonight I'm gonna party like it's $19.99 (recession joke).

   do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

   wanna hear a joke? valentines day.

   just reading this article on body language, and I was really surprised at how much you can tell about a person just by there hands. For example, if you're trying to talk to someone, and their hands are around your neck, then they probably slightly upset

   If you were to start a summer camp for kids with ADHD, is it politically incorrect to call it a concentration camp?

   Women need to relax and stop worrying so much about their bodies. Men aren't picky! Unless you're chubby or have a wrinkle or something.

   It's claimed Macaulay Culkin's health problems are linked to a difficult childhood. No sh1t. His parents forgot to take him on holiday 4 times.

   I feel bad for people that dont drink, because when you wake up in the morning thats the best your going to feel all day.

   Ahhhh My Facebook wall filled with pics of new lap tops, cellphones, cameras and countless trips to the tattoo parlor. There is either a sale at Walmart or its Tax time in America!

   My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

   going to the stripclub and not getting a lapdance is like going to disneyland and not getting the mickey mouse ears

   That high horse you think you're sitting on, is really a low donkey.

   Girl's idea of Valentine's Day. (っ˘з(˘.˘ )♥ Guy's idea of Valentine's Day ( • )( •ԅ(ˆ⌣ˆԅ)

   the only kind of job available these days is a hand job