Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My neighbor has been stealing my WI-FI network. I'm going to change the password to "I screwed your wife".

   If I download a movie in Jamaica, am I a pirate of the Caribbean?

   Trying to decide: Laundry tonight or naked tommorow.

   Dear friends, I could make a chemistry joke... but all the good ones argon.

   I've dedicated my life to gettin prostitutes off the streets .... For an hour or so usually ..    

   Watching "Eternal Sunshine of the Perverted Mind" Ooops, I guess that is Spotless Mind.... Wonder where I got that Perverted from?????

   Teacher: so what would you prefer to be, a doctor? A lawyer? A pilot? Student: Asleep!

   Posts like "Bad boys ain't no good, good boys ain't no fun. Me and Mr Wrong get along so good, Even though he breaks my heart so bad ♥"....Is exactly why us men only really want sex from women.

   men who fish in another man's pond, catch crabs!

   I'm pretty sure when you sweat, it's just your fat crying.

   Sometimes when I close my eyes I can't see.

   Fellaz: Tell her she's ‘beautiful' instead of ‘hot'. She's a woman, not a temperature.

   Heard Don Cornelius(Soul Trian) commited suicide right after watching the Justin Beirber movie.

   I found a new family, will give my family two weeks notice today.

   Always watch your step on an escalator. I once tripped and fell down the stairs for an hour and a half

   I don't celebrate valentines day.

   had a Black Out last night .........she was a very lovely girl so I asked her out again for next weekend

   do me a favor if anyone sees that groundhog today PLEASE shoot that little s*** !!!!!

   I'm not saying the 8th Annual #PuppyBowl was rigged...I just think someone was getting a little squeaky toy on the side.

   Self Deprecating Humor: making jokes about yourself for a laugh. Self Deficating Humor: pooping your pants just for a laugh.