Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It does't matter if you're a man or woman: if you haven't got a date for Valentines Day, either way, you'll end up with a box of tissues!!!

   "You're beautiful. No, you're beautiful! No, No, you're Beautiful. No No No. You're beautiful." -Girls on Facebook Profile Pictures

   Remove all the vowels from boys = BS, remove all vowels from females = FML

   sure that if I ever went to a psychologist, he'd tell me that ALL my personalities are fine...except my REAl one.

   one of my biggest fears is to look out my window at night and see someone staring back at me.

   Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.

   if you refer to yourself or the person you are talking too in 3rd person and/or if you've hurt your shoulder from patting your own back.. you can't and shouldn't be trusted.

   Yesterday my wife caught me checking out our hot new neighbor and all she had to say to me was, “It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home".

   Saw the new commercial again and I wont lie, I like that new brown M&M character. Now we know what it would look like if Urkel and Precious had a baby together

   I wish people would stop only talking about Jesus and just start acting like him.

   Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't meant it either.

   I saved a bunch of money on Valentines Day by switching to single.

   Sign seen at Bank window: "We don't mind you talking on your cell phone as long as you don't mind us IGNORING YOU! Thank you so much!"

   Yesterday was the second day, of the second week, of the second month, of the second year, of the second decade, of the second milliennium = Twoception

   Women may not hit harder.....but they can hit lower

   Attitude like a underwear , don't show it , just wear it.

   Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it

   that sad moment when you return to your ordinary life after watching a awesome movie :(

   The one time I wish my phone would cut off a day before Valentine's Day, Sprint decides to call me and give me an extra 7 days to make a payment..........(-_-)yeesh

   only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.