Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't wanna speak to soon, but the new iPhone is way better at taking pictures of my wiener in the dark than the old one.

   Every person who ever asked if they were bothering me was bothering me.

   To save time, I like to show up to my doctor's appointment already wearing a paper gown.

   "Dad! There's a monster under my bed!" "That's silly. There's no mOH MY GOD! IT'S TEARING MY ARM OFF! Just kidding. It only eats kids. Goodnight..."

   If you want to know anything, come over to my house...my wife apparently knows everything.

   peeing and sneezing at the same time is never a good combination.

   I never get tired of a woman saying oh my God its so big when I pull down my pants.

   I've been missing my wife lately.... but my aim is improving

   Women's Ass Sie Study..30% of women think their ass is too fat..10% of women think their ass is too skinny..The reminaing 60% say they dont care,they love him,he's a good man & they wouldn"t trade him for the world!

   I just watched Godzilla backwards. It's like, it's about this dinosaur who insanely pieces a city back together, then moonwalks into the ocean.

   The hell with what song was number one when I was born, I wanna know what kinky $hit my parents were listening to when I was conceived.

   Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?

   I like to drink before I go to the movies, it loosens me up so I can talk to the people around me.

   it is impossible for any man to walk past a punching bag and not hit it at least twice

   If homosexuals are going to hell, the interior design down there is going to be fabulousss.

   They should make a matchmaking site for single socks.

   TSPARKS, take it easy bro, this is not Twitter.

   Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop

   Remember, alcohol is way cheaper than therapy.

   Lost my Droid for an hour. The day I lost my daughter at the zoo is now the second most terrifying experience of my life