Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   its goin to be drizzy outside.......so expect a lil wayne

   No I didn't want a receipt but now that you've asked me I'm suspicious, so yes, I will have that receipt now please.

   Can't believe it's the Chinese New Year. I'm still writing Rabbit on all of my checks.

   I find it difficult to believe Newt Gingrich could be an effective president. He couldn't even manage to catch those dag old Duke boys.

   Congrats to Jay Cutler, soon to be Dad... Just goes to show that he cant get protection on or off the field.

   Bathroom mirrors are either the luckiest or the unluckiest objects in the house

   你有時間嗎？..Sorry, No Hablo Espanol.. .

   The national debt is now the same as the U.S. economy. Obama really did balance the budget.

   The difference between Humans and Chimpanzees is about 600 genes. The difference between mormon and moron is one letter.

   behind every successful man is a woman that didn't marry me.

   Follow your dreams............ Unless you're a killer.

   More than 90 percent of all relationships end while the girl is on her period

   Reporting on your own superheroic activity while in your secret identity as a reporter is an ethics violation, MR. KENT.

   We never had an on-and-off relationship before getting married. Ours was more of an in-and-out-and-in-out thing. People should try that!

   IDEA: Mood cars. Vehicle color changes based on drivers behavior. Turns red; they're angry. White; they're sick. Pink: they're pregnant.

   STOP with complaining about unoriginal cut n pasted jokes and contribue your own

   Just because you change a earlier post from Mom to Dad or Brother to Sister doesn't make it any funnier !!

   We live in a world where you spell world as would

   Jay Cutler's protection fails him again!!

   It's never too early to start drinking for St. Patrick's Day. There are only 52 days left.