Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I touched her hand. Her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I got some boob. Algebra's awesome!

   She told me to make my own sandwich. I told her to make her own money.

   I don't always eat what is right. Sometimes I eat what is left.

   Don't be judgmental. We're all screwed up.

   teacher: are you sleeping in my class? student: no, uh, a bug flew in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate it. :D

   a good night is when you hug Ur teddy ;a horror night I when the teddy hugs you back

   The day I can't help a freiend is the day I have something better to do

   This new season of 24 sucks...Jack Bauer hasn't had to kill anyone yet

   People that say the last word in this sentence is my bugaboo.

   When going out for sea food, I always order shark steak. Not because I like it.. but to show THEM who is really on top of the food chain.

   I own 11,000 air guitars and I know a guy in Russia that owns 5 more then me,,,

   I put bubble wrap under my mattress during sex. It sounds like fireworks. Makes for much more festive mood

   I think it's kind of funny when walking through a store past the women's intimate apparel section, or pass a Victoria's Secret in the mall, and the bra's are displayed on a "rack."

   Laugh and the world laughs with you. Keep laughing and they'll lock you up.

   Welcome to Facebook, choose your category: Comedian, Philosopher, Protester, or Drama Queen

   80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.

   accidentally ordered the Chewbaco at Jack in the Box…it's terrible I found a huge hair in my wookie taco.

   If you ever need anything... call someone else first. If they aren't able to help you... then try calling someone else!

   Watch what you say to me today... because it will be recorded and played back for you tomorrow!

   We can bailout Big Banks, but we can save an American Iconic Twinkie factory from going out of business??? Priorities People!!!!