Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men go through 3 stages in life: Drinking from boobs, staring at boobs, and growing boobs.

   My grandfather recently beat my grandmother to death... Not in a physical way... he just died first.

   (Whitney) Houston, we have a problem.

   I just saw a lady carrying a "Forever 21 bag should have been carrying one that says "49 and Still Clubbin.

   MTV has gone from Music Television to Maternity Television..

   You make me feel dead inside ... Happy Valentine's Day

   Valentine's Day weekend the G/F said she wanted to go somewhere expensive...So I took her to the Gas Station! ;)

   Why can't the world come to Peace rather than Pieces?

   a new report found that Facebook greatly reduces people's attention thingys whatever

   alone with the kids for the weekend. I have 18 hours of Pixar movies and a squirt gun full of high-fructose corn syrup. Should be fine.

   seems to care less about trees when I'm drying my hands in a public bathroom.

   The best thing about Valentine's day being over next week will be no more Vermont teddy bear commercials.

   My neighbor has been stealing my WI-FI network. I'm going to change the password to "I screwed your wife".

   If I download a movie in Jamaica, am I a pirate of the Caribbean?

   Trying to decide: Laundry tonight or naked tommorow.

   Dear friends, I could make a chemistry joke... but all the good ones argon.

   I've dedicated my life to gettin prostitutes off the streets .... For an hour or so usually ..    

   Watching "Eternal Sunshine of the Perverted Mind" Ooops, I guess that is Spotless Mind.... Wonder where I got that Perverted from?????

   Teacher: so what would you prefer to be, a doctor? A lawyer? A pilot? Student: Asleep!

   Posts like "Bad boys ain't no good, good boys ain't no fun. Me and Mr Wrong get along so good, Even though he breaks my heart so bad ♥"....Is exactly why us men only really want sex from women.