Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel I'm at my most culturally sensitive when I call Dell tech support and don't scream, "What the **** are you saying?"

   With subpar graphics and no discernable plot, TurboTax is, hands down, the worst video game I have ever played.

   You must hate it when people make assumptions about you.

   I'M SURE GLAD NONE OF US HAVE ISSUES WE'RE TRYING TO MASK WITH SARCASM!!

   My wax museum is going to start small by focusing on famous people who look like candles.

   FIELD REPORT: "You gonna let me sniff that whisker biscuit or what?" is an extraordinarily unsuccessful pickup line.

   If you message me to the point where I have to scroll to read it all, well, you need to hire a text editor.

   Just drank a Red Stripe, smoked a spliff, listened to dub reggae and watched The Harder They Come, yet I'm still TERRIBLE at bobsledding!

   There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.

   Poor handicapped guy on the train forgot to put the breaks on his wheel chair. It was like watching the Pinball Wizard.

   The new eye scan to unlock your iPhone to be released later this week. *Not available in China

   When I have kids i`m going to make them watch the 2012 movie & tell them, "Yup, I survived that!" ...

   If Obama gets re-elected this year, props to the mayans.

   miss the old days when my only worry of the day was begging my mom to drive faster to not miss pokemon (y)

   Menstruation, menopause, mental breakdowns... Ever notice how most womens problems begin with men???

   If each day is a gift, I'd like to know where to return for refund Mondays...

   The local orphanage called and asked for a donation. So I sent over two of my neighbor's kids.

   Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything different.

   If at first you don't succeed, buy her another beer.

   Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement