Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why I walk funny: 10% I'm injured 90% Trying to unstick my balls from my leg.

   My G/F said for Valentine's Day I needed to be more affectionate...so I got 2 Girlfriends! ;)

   Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you'll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward

   The Perfect Plan: 1. Shoot boss with arrow. 2. Blame poor AT&T coverage for not calling 9-1-1 in time. 3. Tell police it was Cupid.

   3-way stops make me think that one of the stops doesn't really want to do it, but wants to make the others happy.

   It doesn't matter what your conversation candy hearts say, as long as you remembered to soak them overnight in Rohypnol.

   Hallmark, I'll go 50/50 on this card with you: "Moisten your inbox, baby; this Valentine's coming in hard."

   If we never covered up our genitals, they'd never smell. Happy Valentines Day!

   Great! My girlfriend's period just came. My bloody Valentine.

   roses are red violets are blue.....and since I'm single my balls will be too

   roses are red, violets are blue, vodka is cheaper then dinner for two

   You should make her feel like everyday is Valentine's day : )

   Michael jackson died 1day before the BET AWARDS....Amy Whinehouse died 1day before the VMA'S and whitney houston died 1day before the GRAMMYs...so are we Expected to expect more pre award and post award deaths?!

   Roses are red. Rotting flesh is green. When the dead start to rise, I want you on my team!!!!

   I think I owe my right hand a Valentines Day card!

   Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2!

   greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!

   Just had my Valentine's day card off Moonpig... She hates it when I call her that.

   That uneasy momen when your one night stand thinks otherwise and is anticipating you to change your relationship status.

   sending cards to random people today saying "I'm going to f*** you so bad"...They're not going to know if I'm horny of mafia type!