Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   nothing says I love you like saying, "if I cant have you , no one can" and demanding a reply with a .38 special

   Picking up someone at a bar when you're drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn't want.

   got 99 problems, and money is all of them

   People who are buying Bieber please stop it's just encouraging him

   restaraunts, where everyone imagines their food goes from the floor to your plates, but we eat it anyway, no matter how expensive

   got my cape, diaper, and mask...off to my mandatory job interview, stupid unemployment

   southern people are poor and resourceful, ghetto people are poor and rob you

   carefully placed a spider egg sack under my ex's pillow

   The temps here (Orlando, FL) were in the low 30s three days ago. Today, the highs are supposed to hit the mid 80s. At exactly what point in time was Mother Nature replaced by The Three Stooges?

   straddling the bowling ball return, pretending I'm laying eggs

   by the way, in the summer, any car with an open window is considered an appropriate recepticle for your dogs bag o poo.

   I can't decide if the new guy is a really nice helpful kind guy or if he's a creepy serial killer type.It's such a fine line sometimes

   I like to people watch. Mainly when they're in the shower

   just stuck pink sparkly streamers in the handgrips of a custom skull painted harley in the parkin lot, now I jus waitin for the ogre..i mean, owner to find em

   tricked my ride with pinwheels on my antenna, if only my moms didnnt make me put that big ass orange flag on my bumper

   just put clothespins and baseball cards on my spokes..my car is gonna be the coolest one in the hood

   When the guy in your office says he's going bowling on his own, you've got to ask yourself, 'have I got enough friends

   Jobs of your boss: 5% to pay your wages. 95% to annoy the hell out of you

   FACT: If you don't ask for butter on your toast but the waitress brings it anyway God won't let the cholesterol harm you.

   Whenever I realize a girl likes me, my first thought is, "What's wrong with this woman that would make her like ME?"