Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To some people iPhones are like a religion. They don't know how it works, but it gives them something to cling to, so their life has meaning.

   i got addicted to nicotine gum..now I smoke trying to kick the habbit...

   You know when the police arrive at your job at 9am on a Monday... Its going to be an interesting day.

   People who put a new roll of t.p. on top of a cardboard applicator are far worse...

   People who put the toilet paper roll facing in are the worst human beings.

   If your camp counselor ever used the phrase "Whatever happens at camp, stays at camp", you we're probably molested.

   How come people that should never be allowed to reproduce have the most kids?

   FACT: If you clip your cell phone to your belt, your chances of getting laid decreases by 97%.

   This orange juice tastes weird without vodka.

   Remember children; A book commits suicide every time you watch Jersey Shore.

   Just been told I'm not sexist. Being sexist is wrong and being wrong is for women.

   Funny how people seem to call when I'm away from my desk. It's probably because I walk away from my desk when the phone rings.

   Hellooooo....It's 2012.....Where's my flying car already?....Helloooooo.....

   Youtube isn't just popular because of the videos, its popular because of the attractive video TITLES.

   I don't make typos, I make new words.

   Kim Kardashian Wants To Experience Tebow Time?!?! No, Kimmy, Tebow cannot restore your virginity.

   Whichever candidate promises to get rid of Nickelback and Justin Beiber has my vote.

   Boys - If you can't convince them, Confuse them. Girls : If you can't convince them, Unfriend them from Facebook and B!TCH about them. . .

   i don't wanna be a player no more, No pun intended.. .

   FACEBOOK FAQ WHAT ARE PROFILE PICTURES? A: What you want other people to think you look like. TAGGED PICTURES? A: What you actually look like.