Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Said to herself "Self", and I knew it was me cause I recongized my own voice & was wearing my underwear "you should really make me another rum & coke"!

   Patience is not a virtue! Its a gift. I'm not gifted!

   I just started using the new Timeline on Facebook. Maybe I can trace my life back to when I actually gave a sh!t.

   Yeah, I thought I loved you too... but then I realized I just needed to fart.

   I'm so hungry that my stomach stopped growling. Now its just whimpering.

   You had better look like your profile picture or your buying me drinks till you do!

   The bearded lady, the guy with all the body piercings, the dude with 14 toes, the geek biting the chickens head off... Yep, I'm in WalMart.

   I swallowed a quarter once on a bet. And you thought fumbling through your pockets for loose change at the checkout was a pain in the ass...

   Just because I missed you, doesn't mean I wished you were there!

   Sweet as heaven, hot as hell, born to tease, taught to please!

   Alcohol: The Leading cause of rug burns on your forehead.

   Relationships are like TATTOOS. They LOOK better than they FEEL.

   I failed the quiz by 1 point, the last question was " where do most women have curly hair" apparently the correct answer was "Africa"..

   Yahoo news headline "Woman beats off rapist" Ummmm, did they make some kind of comprimise?

   I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice

   Love is never having to say you're sorry. Marriage is saying sorry especially when you're not.

   Fortune cookies should have more useful information on them… like… never feed tacos to a child you're potty training.

   I'll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn't just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

   I tried to give the kids piggie back rides and now they're covered in mud and hog bites. Farms are stupid.

   Wait, I'm still looking for a duck to give ('-' ) (._. ) ( ._. ) ( '-' ) ( ._.) ( '-') ... Damn, looks like I can't find it ¯\(ツ)/¯