Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Raise your hand if you remember Carlos Mencia. Okay, now slap yourself.

   I put a lock on my bathroom door. I don't want anyone stealing my chit.

   just asked my son - where would you be without your mother? His answer: "Probably in the middle of traffic, without my jacket on, talking to some stranger."

   wonders when child abuse became television entertainment..oh wait, its called dance moms..oh, ok then

   Nice try Folgers... but the best part of waking up is realizing it is your day off and going back to bed.

   Today marks Valentine's Day of Silence…..it is for women who did not receive flowers, chocolates, cards etc....on Valentine….

   if the storage wars guyz priced hoarders stuff....well...helloooo mr rockefeller..cha ching

   Having trouble getting onto your horse? Simply ride up beside it on your giraffe and then jump down.

   i'd be willin to bet not one of those swamp people EVER thought they'd have their own show

   If you fart while you're peeing on your significant other, it's called a golden thunderstorm.

   There was an Amber Alert the other day. I thought it meant that the stores were out of beer.

   if you're still waiting for your chocolate....you're dating a cheap a-hole.

   The Beach Boys reunited at the Grammys. They're headed out on tour for their 50th anniversary. Now when they sing about surfing, they mean surfing the Internet for discounted prostate medication.

   Recent studies suggest that balding people have cooler heads, opposite socks still fit, and red crayons break easier then blue ones... (@_@)

   i like to keep a bag of hair in my car, it distracts them from the drug search

   in my world...staple guns = curtain rods

   The book "Women For Dummies" would have a picture of my Ex on it.

   hey kids, come on and put your tin foil hats on so you wont get wet in this electrical storm

   Sometimes when I see ugly people at the gym I think, "What's the point? You can't workout the face."

   hardcore pawn...more like, when animals attack