Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saw a huge and very intricate spider web, but no spider. This foreclosure crisis is really getting out of hand

   It's hard to tolerate the ramblings of an intelectually deficient redneck, but then I remember that the were likely "born this way"....you know...with an extra chromosome.

   I am known all over the world for my tendency to exaggerate.

   Want to clear out a room quickly? Start playing muskrat love loudly. You are welcome.

   Prince and Sheena Easton never did tell us who won the World Series of love.

   No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, "Yes, but does it work on cats?"

   Just had a fart that sounded like an unoiled door opening slowly. Made the dog bark.

   What's the difference between puberty and a water bottle? A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber.

   if you can just walk away like nothing happened then it never mattered to you in the first place  

   If you wonder what it feels like to be one of those pretty girls that all of the guys want, you are probably gay.

   Girl Gamers are the most misjudge characters ever. Guys sees them as Goddesses, industry sees them as Barbie-Wii Mario-Bros chicks, parents sees them as boys, girls sees em as Fatty Emos, when they just are girls with controllers trying to be badasses!

   Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, "To my sandwich!"

   I wonder what it feels like to be one of those pretty girls that all of the guys want.

   In a court of law you're innocent until proven guilty. In a relationship you're guilty until proven innocent.

   When people go underwater during movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation. I died at Finding Nemo.

   You know you are in love with a guy when you think about having sex with him.

   My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.

   Okay, let's get this straight. There's no way EVERYONE has the best boyfriend in the world. Work it out amongst yourselves.

   "Sir, could you please step out of the vehicle?" "I'm too drunk, Officer. You get in."

   Bad Timing: When the girl who had a crush on me for 2yrs, sneaks up behind me and gives me a hug right when I just farted! !