Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you change your status to "in a relationship", it must last longer than a Kim Kardashian marriage.

   So Angry Birds is now the most popular phone app in the world. It's basically a game where brightly coloured squeaking chicks desperately launched themselves at pigs. It's basically a Mancunian night club simulator.

   this cop pulled me over then asked me why I was speeding, I told him I was rushing to the policemen's ball. He looked at me and told me "policemen don't have balls" he smiled and let me go

   a parent should never name the kid "Lana"...just in case the kid becomes dyslexic

   According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of winshield washer fluid...please do not sit on the hood of a mans car...

   why is it that when you fart silent somebody rushes towards you to talk, hugs you, or sits behind you??

   Do something awesome, no one sees it. Do something embarrassing, everyone sees it.

   If a tomato is a fruit, then isn't ketchup technically a smoothie?

   I secretly like days when none of my facebook friends have birthdays.

   Humans are the only creatures on earth that will cut down trees, make paper, then write “SAVE TREES” on them.

   im not saying I did anythin wrong, but, this is omportant, can you get dna from human poo

   i took my dog for a walk, and well, long story short anyone know how to get silly putty out of a keyhole

   The apple only falls where you leave it !

   Dear Mr Sandman ~ I think you lost my address for some reason. If you want to bring me a dream you can deposit it in my bank account!!

   just huffed a can of spray cheese, now I'm full... and stoned

   Revenge .....Naaaaa , I'm too lazy , I'm just going to sit here and let Karma Fvck you up

   When OBAMA said he is going to get the jobs back from China were the jobs swimming back to America, because it is taking awhile

   You can tell you're a real John Wayne kind of man when it doesn't even matter what color bendy straw you use in your chocolate milk.

   Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There is nothing like having a midget for a butler.

   just got my girlfriend her valentines day gift.. shes gonna love her "tube of boob lube"