Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes when I am bored I like to park on the side of the freeway and stick a blow dryer out the window and watch the cars slam on their brakes.

   I am the guy she asks to feel her legs after shaving.

   Hints that someone is not enjoying your company. . 1. I keep backing away from you. 2. No eye contact. 3. Keep checking my phone. 4. I'm trying real hard to spontaneously combust.

   new rule: For every post you don't like, you must post a better one..

   The best thing about a german shepherd is after he kills someone, he dismembers and...buries them. all by himself..no muss no fuss. good boy

   i like my own posts for psychological manipulation of you, also cuz I do like them

   exterminaters are just serial killers with no balls

   "my, aren't you looking floppy today" is not an effective greeting, unless you want them to wonder why they look floppy for days to come

   midgets are the T-Rex's of our species..

   i was gonna give you a raise, but you clicked your tongue ring against your teeth one too many times...we get it, your tongue is pierced, stop playing with it..we're not having sex, so I dont care

   does anyone really think stretching your earholes is sexy? whats next? lip plates?

   imagine the nurses surprise changin a old lady diaper an her tat says 'juicy'

   can't remember the last time I saw a commercial that didn't have to do with auto insurance, cars, beer, or b-o-n-e-r meds...

   cereal is dead to me now....what happened to choosing the best toy

   hate when people say "i can't complain"..really? because all you do is complain

   decaffienated redbull, theyre calling it sitting bull

   What's black, 'will always love you,' and has white on the nose? ... a Border Collie.

   old age homes are gonna be filled with saggy tramp stamps at diaper changin time....mmm sexxxy

   you will never convince me a dude with 2 hoop earrings doesnt look gayeeee

   In need of a b-pong partner... If you're not super cute, then you better be the nuts at pong.