Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   as soon as the wife leaves for work, the kids grab their helmets for the amazing treadmill/catapult

   blowing bubbles for the kids, they insist I blow cigarette smoke in em cuz they sink and explode like grenades. hope they get me an iron lung for my b'day this yr

   jus stole my bosses car, gonna put a swastika on it and drop it off in da hood

   mustaches are great, but when you shave them suddenly, clearly your lip is fugly

   went to the pharmacy to pick up some muscle relaxers..they were out so they substituted with bone relaxers..

   I got a box of Animal Crackers the other day, and the box said, WARNING "Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken". I open the box, and sure enough...

   my wife just served me breakfast in her sexiest underwear....... would have prefered it on a plate though. the beans and egg leaked through the gusset.

   after getting sacked from work and going home to my wife all depressed she asked me "what's wrong"! Apparently "your jean size" was not the right answer!

   My mate went to see a psychic last week who told him he would be coming into a lot of money. Last night he shagged a fat bird called Penny - how spooky is that?!

   a cheap little bb gun, sometimes it shoots to the right, sometimes it shoots to the left, and sometime it doesn't work at all. Kinda like a politician!

   I never realised there is a career for statues in the movie industry until I watched Bella in Twilight.

   Wanted: Dyslexics to work 5 to 9.

   I used to date cross-eyed women just to feel better about myself after sex.

   A real home improvement warehouse would have a marriage counselor.

   It's hard to kiss the lips at night that chew your ass out all day long.

   Bobby Brown abruptly left Whitney Houston's funeral at about 12:20. Heard it was for a smoke break. I think he's just jealous of Kevin Costner's speech

   Somebody on my friends list has really REALLY smelly breath... Should I tell Tracy?!

   i guess dione warwick and her psychic friends couldnt eveb predict whitneys death.

   This white girl took me home last night. She wanted me to prove to her what they say about black guys is true....so I stabbed her and took her purse.

   Just because you're offended, doesn't mean you're right.