Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my ex was so fat she used to but her belt on with a boomerrang

   hey ladies, fallin' head over heels in love only happens in your 20's.. After that the best you can hope for is heels over head

   With pants sagging as low as yours, what do you plan on doing if you suddenly get into a brawl? Cuz I'm going to pants the sh** outta you and run!!!!

   Phone on silent. 10 missed calls. Turns volume to loudest. Nobody calls All damn Day.

   A bad picture of you, and your automatic response is… “Don't put that on Facebook!”

   Getting back with an ex is pretty much like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.

   Don't you just hate it when the person you're Facebook-stalking never updates anything.

   asked my sister inlaw were is my nephew she says my brothers nutsack. lol

   why doesnt a car dealer run for office? they lie & cheat the ppl to get our money already

   I'm going to start putting girls in the friendzone.. See how they like it!

   My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

   I fell off the bed in the middle of it and she yelled "5 second rule" and kept doing it. I think I'm in love...

   If you ever find yourself driving through a neighborhood and you smell bologna cooking on the grill, keep driving.

   I will never be brave enough to be a Navy Seal or one of those people who buy things supposedly edible in 99 Cent Only Stores

   When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's called lunar assault & it isn't funny

   Tattoos are like cats. You get one, then you have to get another, then you get more and more until you have to get rid of them using lasers.

   Apparently, I can't say "Blak paint!" any more. I have to be PC and say, "Please paint that wall, Leroy."

   if 10% is good enough for God is should definitely be good enough for the IRS!

   Never trust someone that has 0 text messages in their phone.

   A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he's naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer