Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just opened my chinese take out box and a cat jumped out, I guess the airholes should've tipped me off.

   whenever I want to stop an aggressive salesman, I just interrupt his spiel and ask, "Yes, but does it work on cats?"

   Removing access to contraceptives in order to discourage premarital sex is like removing seatbelts to encourage safer driving habits.

   Future old age homes are gonna love the nipple rings . so handy to lift them up and change the sheets

   I used to be a bull fighter, but gave it up because the bulls refused to listen to the referee when he told them to keep it clean and obey his commands at all times

   anyone else have like a thous.. FB friends and post somethin hilarious and get like 2 ppl like it...discouraging, ungrateful b@stards

   saw some mexicans beatin some white guy with sticks in tge street. I yelled, hey, ...hey..thats a man, not a pinata..

   for all those who answer "how's it goin?" with .."can't complain"...please review your FB status's

   Do you think the other planets are mean and make Jupiter cry by calling him fat?

   told by his girlfriend that she dreamt I was going to give her a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. She asked me what this meant and I told her she'll know via my present that evening. She didn't enjoy the "What dreams mean" book I gave her for V day!

   For the chicks who forget why your boobs are so awesome...grab them and you'll remember why.

   This world is in desperate need of a Sarcasm Font.

   My favorite beer? A cold and full one.

   forgot to put the seat belt on my 8-year-old boy this morning. "You are an irresponsible father!" Someone shouted "Who said that? I shouted. "Stop the car, son."

   My wife is always walking into things and getting hurt. Yesterday it was our bedroom while I was shagging her sister.

   My girlfriend answered my booty call last night. God knows what she was doing with her sister's phone.

   People who constantly think their spouse is always cheating on them..Should just stay single and miserable forever.

   Sad news - I helped organise my boss's funeral this week, but apparently he has to be 'dead' before it can go ahead.

   Milk that says ‘98% fat free' should just come out and say, ‘Water with 2% milk'

   The most useless advice in the world: "CHILL OUT"