Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 3941 of 6446

just opened my chinese take out box and a cat jumped out, I guess the airholes should've tipped me off.
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02-19-2012 11:31
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whenever I want to stop an aggressive salesman, I just interrupt his spiel and ask, "Yes, but does it work on cats?"
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02-19-2012 11:29 by Maureen
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Removing access to contraceptives in order to discourage premarital sex is like removing seatbelts to encourage safer driving habits.
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02-19-2012 11:26
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Future old age homes are gonna love the nipple rings . so handy to lift them up and change the sheets
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02-19-2012 11:23
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I used to be a bull fighter, but gave it up because the bulls refused to listen to the referee when he told them to keep it clean and obey his commands at all times
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02-19-2012 11:07
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anyone else have like a thous.. FB friends and post somethin hilarious and get like 2 ppl like it...discouraging, ungrateful b@stards
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02-19-2012 11:05
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saw some mexicans beatin some white guy with sticks in tge street. I yelled, hey, ...hey..thats a man, not a pinata..
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02-19-2012 10:59
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for all those who answer "how's it goin?" with .."can't complain"...please review your FB status's
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02-19-2012 10:55
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Do you think the other planets are mean and make Jupiter cry by calling him fat?
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02-19-2012 10:42 by Mickey
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told by his girlfriend that she dreamt I was going to give her a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. She asked me what this meant and I told her she'll know via my present that evening. She didn't enjoy the "What dreams mean" book I gave her for V day!
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02-19-2012 10:39
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For the chicks who forget why your boobs are so awesome...grab them and you'll remember why.
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02-19-2012 10:38
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This world is in desperate need of a Sarcasm Font.
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02-19-2012 10:37
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My favorite beer? A cold and full one.
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02-19-2012 10:36
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forgot to put the seat belt on my 8-year-old boy this morning. "You are an irresponsible father!" Someone shouted "Who said that? I shouted. "Stop the car, son."
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02-19-2012 10:35
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My wife is always walking into things and getting hurt. Yesterday it was our bedroom while I was shagging her sister.
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02-19-2012 10:32 by Baddie
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My girlfriend answered my booty call last night. God knows what she was doing with her sister's phone.
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02-19-2012 10:29 by RKC
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People who constantly think their spouse is always cheating on them..Should just stay single and miserable forever.

Sad news - I helped organise my boss's funeral this week, but apparently he has to be 'dead' before it can go ahead.

Milk that says ‘98% fat free' should just come out and say, ‘Water with 2% milk'
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02-19-2012 10:17
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The most useless advice in the world: "CHILL OUT"
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02-19-2012 10:10
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