Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don't have if they are asking me for advice.

   Why do they keep records of people who died due to alcohol, but not the records of people who were born thanks to it?

   Sex: It might be good exercise, but that's not why we do it!

   Drunkenness neither keeps a secret, nor observes a promise.

   has found that when my son says "the other day", it can mean any time up to a year ago.

   Just changed my FB to "in a relationship with vodka which gets complicated after downing shots of tequila

   I've decided to nickname my fridge 'Facebook'. Because even if I know there's nothing there, I still check it every time I go into the room.

   The only time I wear a suit is for sad occasions, like weddings and funerals.

   Most people hide their sexual demons; I harness mine and take them out for a ride.

   What's dangerous and eats nuts? Syphilis.

   I'm getting physical therapy for my back. I bet Spider-Man never has to get physical therapy for his back. I hate not being Spider-Man. :(

   "What's the point of winning all these golden covered Grammys if there isn't chocolate in the middle?" - Adele

   Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.

   jus submitted my mo ped for a pimp my ride episode..tassles on my handlebars would be AWESOME

   For Mardi Gras i'm giving up beads.

   APPY MARDI GRAS! May your every slice of King cake have a little bitty baby in it, may your good times roll and may your parade be never ending. Now where are my beads???

   With the current "obese" status of our nation, today should be called #FatterTuesday...

   Remember when scientists said that smoking weed made your sperm lazy? And we wonder why we cant get our kids off the couch or out from in front of the X-box.

   Never respond to everything a fool may say about you.. it makes you look as fool as them! However, ignore them and the fool will go away... it makes you happy and they be upset

   pretty sad that the only thing that goes down on you is your bank balance