Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Typos are like pregnancies... miss a period and it changes everything.

   I'm so gangsta that you change the channels with the remote sideways!

   You don't have to own a horse to know what not to put in it!

   B.I.B.L.E = BASIC INSTUCTIONS BEFORE LEAVING EARTH!

   am giving up a few negative people for lent. So, if you call,text,facebook or email and I don't get to back to you?? Odds are it was you

   roses are red, violets are blue...valentine's crap is over now don't you have some ironing to do?

   X says woman pay thousands to grow their boobs [not jobs!]...I just eat lots of candy and let nature take its course!

   Etc. – used to make people think you know more about a subject than you actually do!

   I'm giving up Religion for lent...

   I wish I was half the man my dog thought I was!!!

   don't smoke, jus take some new prescriptions that can kill you instantly

   just stepped in a huge pile of dog sh!t...smelled so bad, I just left my shoe in it and walked home in my sock

   I'm giving up silly, medieval superstitions for lent.

   I wish the oil companies would give up "ridiculous price gouging" for lent...

   If I can`t easily reach what I dropped…I begin to justify why I don`t need it.

   One thing that all us white guys from the suburbs can agree on is if a black guy has a British accent, we're 85% less scared of him

   I don't run for fun! If you see me running past you, you better start running too because something is coming.

   I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.

   WHAT DO WE WANT? If you have to ask, we're not telling you! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? We don't know! -Women's protest rally.

   I'm thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there's this thing called Google now.