Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My house looks like a tornado sat around all day and watched TV.

   nobody likes a stalker. it's what this chick was saying as I read her lips through my binoculars

   There's an app for everything today except premature ejaculation but I hear that it's coming soon

   Just Googled "Chris Brown" and now I have a black eye.

   Don't make fun of a fat man with a lisp. He is probably thick and tired of it

   I'm pretty sure if dogs could talk their most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”

   My driver's license says I'm an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

   Starting a dating site for people who just want someone to take a walk with after a big meal.

   Dear Nerf, Table legs hurt! Fix that. Sincerely, Stubbed Toe

   Three skiers kiled in an avalanche today... meanwhile in my living room me and my beer remain totally safe.

   Wow... My boyfriend deleted me off Facebook last night.. I was single and didnt even know it!

   ME: Wanna go out with me? GIRL: I have a boyfriend. Me: I have a test tomorrow. GIRL: And? ME: Sorry, I thought we were naming things we could cheat on

   She stole my heart so I told her to keep it. Thats not the part I'm going to be needng to bang all her friends with anyway.

   My kids call themselves changing their rooms around. All they did was move the t.v

   FACT: Some people will steal your stuff and then help you look for it.

   One of my ex's dreams in life was to go on a helicopter ride, so like the good guy I was, I made it come true. She was air-lifted to the hospital after I cut the brake lines on her car

   Before call waiting booty calls must have been very frustrating.

   "I wasnt that Drunk", "Dude you were in my pool trying to find Nemo"

   I wasnt that drunk..." "Dude, you were telling 'Yo mama' jokes to orphans...

   Some kids want drugs, some want alcohol. Honestly, all I want is a good nap.