Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   who was the idiot to make umbrellas have metal handles? ..."lets hold this over our heads to keep rain off us & keep us dry but lets put a metal handle on it so we hold metal when we have to keep rain off us during storms"

   A Christian asked me what it's like to be an Athiest. I asked him if he beileved in Islam. He said "no", I said "like that.." :)

   Next time a telemarketer calls, hit 'em with an "I love you" right off the bat. Just keep saying it, no matter what they say

   Shot my first Turkey today! Scared the sh*t out of everyone in the frozen food section.....It was awesome

   My least favorite method of birth control is probably the beaver dam.

   I just watched an episode of the Big Bang Theory everyone is talking about. They should call it I Have No Idea What To Do With A Blonde.

   Volvos are one of the safest vehicles on the road. Thats why I got my wife a Ford Explorer.

   Its funny how when I feel my phone vibrate I'll get up to read the text but when my alarm clock goes off in the morning I push snooze like 12 times.

   Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.

   I'm guessing the opposite of Christopher Reeves is Christopher Walken

   Typos are like pregnancies... miss a period and it changes everything.

   I'm so gangsta that you change the channels with the remote sideways!

   You don't have to own a horse to know what not to put in it!

   B.I.B.L.E = BASIC INSTUCTIONS BEFORE LEAVING EARTH!

   am giving up a few negative people for lent. So, if you call,text,facebook or email and I don't get to back to you?? Odds are it was you

   roses are red, violets are blue...valentine's crap is over now don't you have some ironing to do?

   X says woman pay thousands to grow their boobs [not jobs!]...I just eat lots of candy and let nature take its course!

   Etc. – used to make people think you know more about a subject than you actually do!

   I'm giving up Religion for lent...

   I wish I was half the man my dog thought I was!!!