Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing I don't like about my job is that it doesn't involve wearing a whistle around my neck at all times.

   A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they've all escaped!"

   Email your friends and say "call me at this number ASAP. 12024561414" it's the number to the white house

   "Its a boy!" I shouted, as I ran from the brothel in Thailand......

   I need to get a gun rack for the work truck to hold two things important in my life right now...job prints and my fishing pole.

   Among words that sound dirty but aren't, I think "kumquat" is my favorite.

   I have just found out that yelling "I'm gonna scissor you!" at someone isn't as threatening as I first thought...

   Sometimes, inappropriate thoughts pop into my head, then dive head first onto my keyboard without ever slowing down.

   Everytime I get gas I want to pull out an AR15 and take out a gas pump! ... There's your war on terror!!

   "Try again, dumbass" - the little red line under your misspelled word

   If Target sends you coupons for rope, garbage bags, and bleach, abort the mission. They know too much.

   I gave up "Olympic Synchronized Swimming" for lent....This is gonna be tough!

   Say no to drugs and socks with sandals

   At your age we took spelling tests and not pregnancy tests.

   heading out early to siphon gas from my neighbors......

   new job...shoving pretzels up screaming m&m's asses..its a living

   Wow....turns out I'm NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.

   You do. And you know that you do. So Stop acting like you don't. Because you do.

   Look, I'm not saying the creators of yogi bear stole the idea but I am constantly bragging about how I'm smarter than the average bear. Coincidence??

   "For every hostage you send out, I'll give you one hug." - lonely negotiator