Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Goodnight.......I have to get up early to siphon gas from my Mexican neighbors lawnmower just to get to work tomorrow.

   Ryan Braun - way to beat the "guilty until proven innocent" rap!!

   People who take pictures of them with tons of money and post them on Facebook…………. have no money.

   Some things are so awkward to say, but so easy to text message.

   Haters will broadcast your failure, but whisper your success.

   Facebook is like school. There's the cool kids, the intellectual rebels, and there's always a rumor going on.

   A relationship isn't determined by how many pictures you post on Facebook.

   Say it to my face, not through your status.

   Reasons why I'm still single: ✔ can't date the internet. ✔ can't date my favorite celebrity. ✔ can't date Facebook. ✔ can't date myself..

   I ate all my girl scout cookies : ( , roughly the weight of two girl scouts.......

   Mitt Romney went after Newt Gingrich during last night's debate. In fact, Romney criticized Gingrich so much, Newt made him an honorary ex-wife.

   If a clown offers you a hamburger, and it's not Ronald McDonald, should you accept it?

   I got my Do-si-dos. Sad thing is I'm about to eat the whole box, I'll be mad at myself later...........

   Girl Scout cookies are a lot like crack. Only instead of a creepy sweatsuit wearing thug taking the cash, it's a cute kid with freckles & braces.........

   Found a cigarette butt next to the mousetrap in my room. Like he sat there and thought about it.

   Your picture on Facebook (`▽´) .Your face in real life (‾(••)‾)

   Free Clinic my ass.....I just spent $1.75 on a pop from the vending machine.

   discovered pretending I'm sleeping to avoid something never gets old!

   stuck at work – and by “stuck” I mean drinking and by “work” I mean sitting in the recliner!

   YOLO: You Obviously Love Oreos