Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got back from Sam's Club - got a great new electric piano, 19 pack of BBQ lighters, and an impulse kayak - damn forgot milk!

   As I've gotten older, my answer to any problem, more and more, is "burn it down".

   PSA: My patience today is about as thin as my oldest pair of panties. If you are stupid please stay away from me.

   I wish my dog owned stuff so I could pee on it and ruin it to show him how it feels.

   When the cop asked me to recite the ABC's I did it perfectly... He didn't particularly care for the "next time won't you sing with me" part though.

   Sometimes I wish animals could talk....then I remember all the things my cats have seen me do when I'm alone and I'm very grateful they can't.

   My kids got in a fist fight while playing one of those claw machines at the pizza joint & sh@t like that is why I'm never sober.

   Sometimes I feel like I'm possessed by an old Jewish lady. Especially when paying for something.

   Wish I was rich enough to own a room full of bees & if someone upset me I could order my muscular butler to "Take them to the Bee Room!"

   In Canada, we don't divorce due to "irreconcilable differences" we just call it "liking different hockey teams"

   Jeremy Lin is no flash in the Moo goo gai pan.

   Dear Sharks: You may get your own week on TV, but house cats get their own eternity on the internet.

   God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, but He probably hired Steve to help decorate the garden.

   What wine goes best with Cheerios..?

   Its like a sowna in here...no more pantilonies

   My house looks like a tornado sat around on Facebook all day.

   My family crest is just a photo of someone letting it go to voicemail.

   If I could turn invisible I'd go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he'd get would be amazing!

   My "look like I'm paying attention" face is oddly similar to my "I wonder what I'm gonna have for dinner" face.

   I can't believe no one likes my show idea about a bunch of undead bathroom remodelers called “The Caulking Dead”.