Funny Status Messages

   Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

   Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better. Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!

   I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

   If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast. *sets alarm for 6:30*

   *checks real estate listings on other planets*

   Has decided to sell my nudes, $5 to get one, $25 to NOT get one.

   This year's "must have" Halloween costume is a level 4 biohazard suit

   Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done this year...

   I asked my Alexa if she had any pets? who replied "I don’t have any pets. I used to have a few bugs, but they kept getting squashed"

   My dating life has been so bad since the coronavirus I asked my Alexa if she could be my girlfriend who said no I like you but only as friends.

   People who wear masks while driving are the reason why Pop Tarts come with instructions.

   I used to wonder why scuba divers fell backwards into the water. Then I realized if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat

   It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

   I dont think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds, because every time I take them she goes away

   Just for the record, a book filled with executive orders and congressional initiatives is not a comprehensive healthcare plan.

   I can always tell when a friend spent a lot on their kitchen remodel when I can't find their garbage can.

   I didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we're okay...

   My husband keeps tapping on the window saying..."look, it's snowing"....if he keeps it up, I suppose am gonna have to let him in.....!!

   Facebook and Twitter are no different than commun¡st countries who control the media. Although they aren't government entities, they still have far reaching influence due to their sizable presence.

   I bought a watch at a secondhand store and it's real slow. I played cards with my buddies later that evening and the second hand lost a second every second hand.